weeklythoughtexchange

Pause.         Let your mind drift back…and farther back…and farther still.  Where did you go? What memories floated to the forefront of your thoughts? What mental doors did you start to open and then slam shut? Where did you linger? Which faces brought warmth to your heart and which ones sent chills through your spine?

My memories pique my interest. At times I am surprised by the names that pop into my head – people I haven’t seen or talked to in years. Other times there will be a recurring thought, perhaps things I played as a child, or places I visited, or events in which I was a participant. Certain memories cause me to recoil; certain people bring tears of joy or sorrow or bitterness to my eyes. Every so often I regret missed opportunities and wonder what fond memories they would have brought had I seized the day.

I believe that the circumstances and people of which our memories are comprised are what shape our identities and have influenced the people we are in this moment. Each person has left a fingerprint upon our values and opinions; each event or situation or cause in which we spent time has given us experience to reflect upon and, in turn, prompts our future decisions. With this perspective in mind, it prompts me to pose the question: how will we live tomorrow?

There is less than a month left of the year 2018. It behooves us to reflect on how we are going to move forward in the year ahead:

• How much time is spent with Jesus each day?
• Which individuals need more of my time and attention?
• Are there habits that need to be removed or cultivated?
• How can I keep my mind from stagnating?
• What opportunities do I want to seize?
• Do I need to refresh my priorities?

Every moment that I live is an investment into my future. I want it to be worthwhile.

I’ve strayed a bit from my 2018 goal of blogging twice a week, haven’t I? Lately I have been preoccupied with “finding myself”: my writing self, my married self, my mommy self, my friend self, my (fill in the blank) self.  There’s been a lot going on with the extras piled on to the daily responsibilities. My husband continues to travel; our youngest was recently dedicated to Jesus; we had delightful house guests for the past 11 days; Thanksgiving; Christmas planning. You know, the usual busy – no more or less crazy than your life is, I’m sure.

But in the midst of it all I found myself getting extra impatient with small (and big) mishaps; I grew weary of interrupted sleep; I was angry at all the things I couldn’t get done; I resented the clutter; I was humiliated that my visitors were seeing the real side of my family in all its chaotic, noisy, smelly, messy glory.  I felt a bit hypocritical at our son’s dedication where we were promising, before witnesses, to raise him in a way that pointed him to Jesus. I want to live Jesus for my husband, kids, neighbors, friends, neighbors and strangers every single day, but as of late I’ve been falling far too short. And so, I’ve been withdrawing from many things in order to determine what is necessary in each of the selves that make up who I am called to be. It’s easy to go through the motions of living and not be connecting to who you are in the midst of it.

What is necessary is a peaceful heart and a restful mind. I need to allow room for the unexpected extras. I need time to move at a toddler’s pace. I need ears that are eager to listen to chattering preschoolers who have very busy minds. I need a heart that savors the repetitive responsibilities that come with a home and family. I need expectations that match this season that is mine.  It’s a slow season that moves all too quickly; an exhausting season that energizes the soul; a painful season that refines and sanctifies; a hands full, heart fuller, blessed season that may appear to last forever but is really only temporary.  With Christ’s help I will identify my priorities for this season so that at it’s close I will have no regrets. It’s

With that said, I still plan to take some time each day to do things that decompress and refresh my own mind and spirit. These include daily devotions and reading, as well as weekly correspondence and blogging. I truly hope that you will be hearing more from me than you have in the past few months.  Thank you for sticking with me in silences. Happy belated Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas season!

Have you observed yourself doing something because you have always done it? Do you hold on to certain activities, styles, methods because you have a reputation for them? Do you do something because you know you’re good at it and you might not be good at doing something else?

I have observed these things about myself and realized that I am avoiding change because it hurts my pride. I like having the reputation of being well-balanced in all that I do. I like the idea that I’m well-rounded and able to juggle motherhood and everything else. I have held myself to a certain standard of quality and consistency and hate admitting that I can maintain that standard without letting go of certain activities I’ve always done.

It’s humbling to say I can’t do it all. That means I’ve dropped the ball on more than one occasion. It means I’ve messed up more than I care to acknowledge. It means I have to say “ta ta for now” to things I truly enjoy doing and people I enjoy interacting with on a regular basis.

But it’s also freeing. It means I can linger a little more, breathe a little deeper, and focus a little longer. It means that I know what my priorities are and I’m upholding them. It means that what I’m keeping is going to flourish with extra cultivation and I have made peace with the things I’m letting go.

Change is hard but it is healthy. It is indicator of growth in life and in character. It’s ok to be wistful when encountering change, but it’s also ok to allow it to refresh you.

I am taking your birthday photos for the third year in a row. I dressed you up in a new outfit and you loved every minute of the process. We brushed out your hair and chatted about whether or not we should put in a hair clip. We decided not to. Then we gathered up the photo props and went outside. You eagerly climbed up on the rustic stool and held the flower I gave you. “This is fun!” you declared. Every moment of your special day has been treasured by you- and that’s simply one more precious thing about the person you are. Special moments, no matter how small, are savored by your sincere heart.

We chat as I snap different poses. I’m trying to capture the essence of who you are but I doubt that can be done in a photograph. It takes spending daily life with you to know exactly who you are. I savor the little conversations overflowing from your busy mind and expressive tongue. You verbalize deep ponderings in quiet moments and I’m thankful we live slowly so you can articulate them and I can listen.

You flourish at being you! You appreciate your own skin and are comfortable with your likes and dislikes. I know that I am a deeper person, a more appreciative person, because I spend time observing you. I am thankful for every instance I put down my phone so that I can look in your eyes or snuggle you in my lap or chat with you. No moment spent in your company is wasted. Gratitude fills my soul at every one of your birthdays because I know I have treasured every single day of those years. I am learning to linger, to not mind the midnight slumber parties, to let you help whenever you ask, to repeat answers, to not make little messes a big deal…because I know the years slip by…just like that.

As indicated in my previous post, I have very little spare time. There is so much going on, in fact, that I have very little to write about in my very few moments of spare time. This season has presented me with a fresh challenge: to do less rather than more. It goes against my nature but I have come to terms with it.  The question is: how do I meet this challenge?

One of the first things I have done is identify the priorities of the day; this is followed by reducing or eliminating anything that would distract from them. Social media has hung in the balance during this evaluation phase. It is essential to my  business and it certainly is a useful means of keeping up with the happenings in the lives of other people.  It is also convenient for keeping others updated on the events of my life without having to make individual contact with everyone. On the other hand, it can be the ultimate time waster as I scroll and click and browse and watch.  In many ways it is information overload to my already saturated brain. And after I finish scrolling, I rarely feel uplifted; it is more common for my heart to feel heavy as I see the parts of people’s lives that they want me to see: the pristine homes, the trendy clothes, the vacations, the new purchases, the perfect day. I am often left sighing about what I don’t have or can’t do or won’t see. This does nothing to add to a serene home or a peaceful heart.

I also feel a pressure to post. If it’s Instagram, I feel like I need to post every day with a million hashtags so that I will boost my following. I find myself comparing my following with others or my pictures with others and there I go again with feeling dissatisfied. There seems to be an element of social status on Instagram; if you don’t have a cool feed then you won’t have a large following and if you don’t have a large following you’re not cool. With Facebook, there’s an element of social obligation. People are friends because they want to know what’s going on in my life and if I’m not posting regularly I’m letting them down.

I realize that I could be reading a lot into this and I may also be stepping on some toes by broaching this subject. I also know that there is a growing frustration with social media. We are seeing that it does eat up much of our time – time that could be spent reading a book, playing a game, writing a letter, making a phone call or (*gasp*) stepping outside our front door and striking up a face-to-face conversation with someone.   People long for authenticity and let’s face it, that’s hard to come by on social media. People long for community, but we have to admit that the community found on social media is shallow and impersonal – you can’t borrow an egg from a friend on Facebook; you need a neighbor for that.

What it comes down to is that we fear invisibility and insignificance. We want our voices to be heard and our thoughts to count. On our accounts we are the center of the virtual universes we create; our followers see what we want them to and if we don’t like their comments we can delete them. It is not so easy in a live conversation on our front porches, is it? But truthfully, that is where true relationships and true change comes about: in person. When I weigh out a quick peek on Facebook with reading a story to my kids, which choice will have the lasting impact? And what will benefit my children the most, seeing me typing out a political post that they can’t even read yet or listening me engage in a thoughtful conversation about worldview at the dinner table?

The sands of time are sliding, ever sliding. I am seeking to maximize each minute: in conversation, in correspondence with individuals, and in lingering without the distraction of thinking about what I’ll say on my next Facebook post.  How we spend our time is a personal issue between us and our Maker. I know that many in my readership seek to use social media as a platform for sharing Christ’s truth with the world; I applaud and am grateful for their efforts. Personally, as I spend less time on social media I am  finding more free time than I expected and am now seeking to invest this time into individual people rather than the masses.

How would you rate the benefit of having social media in your life? Could those benefits be gleaned from other sources as well?

There was a time when you weren’t in my life.

Before I knew you I lived my life with me as the focus: my dreams, my job, my interests, my routines, my travels, my goals.

Before I knew you I felt incomplete, a bit empty, a little lost, wistfully lonely. Life felt a little flat and predictable.

Before I knew you, well, let’s not think about that anymore because now I know you!

Now life is intense and rich and active and filled with adventure! We have built a life together! Yes, we have added some kids and a puppy to the mix but it’s more than that. There is something mysteriously wonderful about having a person who belongs entirely to me and knowing that I belong entirely to you. It means that no matter how rough life gets or I get or you get, we are never going to give up. It means that tomorrow is a new day and we are going to start over. It means that if there is a problem we are going to find a solution. It means that if we get to the point where there’s only one man left standing, I’ll have your back.

Walking down memory lane this past week has been marvelous. I like remembering our courtship and our newlywed season but I wouldn’t want to repeat it. I like where we are right now: laughing at the silly antics of our kids, chatting long into the night about our future plans, going on spontaneous road trips (and coming back with a puppy), trying out new restaurants, playing games, welcoming guests into our home, being able to talk freely with you about my struggles and never once feeling inferior to or minimized by you. I crave life with you more as each day goes by.

Before I knew you I was happy, but now you’re my dream come true. Happy 5th anniversary, my Love! May we be blessed with 95 more.

At times, no matter how rich life is or how many friends I have or how often people reach out to me or how in tune my husband is to me, I still feel lonely.

I feel isolated in my emotions, caught up in the difference between the season I am experiencing and the seasons of others, too aware of what I don’t have time for and filled with guilt over what I’m not doing, ever wondering if I have chosen the best way to spend my time.

I don’t often talk about my waves of loneliness because there seems to be little justification for them. Life is good. I shouldn’t be playing the comparison game. Contentment needs to be the discipline I practice. This is the life I dreamed about, the life I chose, the life I wouldn’t trade for anything.

But at times I still feel lonely. In those times I recognize that my journey is unique and my personal experiences are mine alone. I can share them with others but no one else will feel the exact flavor of emotions that I did. And in those times the only one who can provide the solace I crave is Jesus. We will walk this way together.

I’m in the throes of a new normal. Tomorrow signals the completion of two full weeks of preschool and I don’t think I’ve ever felt the intensity of life as much as I have in these two weeks. It’s the first time I’ve made a daily commitment to something and then had to corral, restrain, guide, coax and require my little humans to help me fulfill that commitment.

Preschool itself has been delightful. My children are eager participants (especially at snack time or when markers are involved). They are forgiving and patient, something I appreciate since I’m a first-year preschool teacher. I probably lecture more than is recommended (the secondary ed teacher training I have) and many of my activities are coloring sheets. But learning is happening and it’s intoxicating.

The real challenge is in maintaining a home, keeping up with laundry, cooking three meals a day, brushing teeth and feeding the baby while still making sure preschool happens. I have yet to figure that out and the process is exhausting. I still want to have time to write this blog, keep in touch with people, run my business, work on photo projects and a million other things but when nap time happens I’m joining the slumber party!

As tired as I am with all this stretching, I’m getting up at 5am each morning to meet with Jesus. In those quiet moments I’m assured that He is molding me and I can surrender to the process. Much of my fatigue comes from resisting the change; I feel like I’ve failed if my original ideas don’t work; I feel ashamed to admit that I’ve had to adjust and readjust and then adjust again. But life is in the changing. That is where the discoveries are made and where the experience is gleaned. Last week my tiny students had no idea that the tongue is used to taste but now they know. They still don’t know what tastebuds are or how nutrients are absorbed from what we eat (although they do know what waste turns into); one day they will but it won’t nullify what they know about tongues today. Learning is new knowledge being added to prior knowledge.

And that’s how I need to view this season: adjusting, changing and tweaking is simply evidence of my learning and ability to adapt. Reworking my routines doesn’t mean my old routines were wrong; it just means something new is needed now. Most importantly, it’s yet another chance to peel back more layers of life in order reach the deeper meaning of existence: God’s reason for placing me on this planet.

Readership~ thank you for being with me on this journey called life and for encouraging me by following my blog and commenting. My writing is simply sharing my newest learning with you. Please forgive me if I don’t reply to your thoughtful comments right away. Friends and family, please be patient if I don’t reach out as much as I would like to.

It’s a vibrant season of growth and blossoming minds!

This weekend I was gifted with the opportunity to attend our church’s ladies’ retreat. It was a 24-hour getaway to a beautiful lakeside camp. There was ample opportunity for long conversations with lovely friends, yummy food we didn’t have to prepare or clean up, excellent teaching from Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth and her ministry, and pleasant games to support the themes we covered. Before I left for the retreat my husband asked me what I hoped to glean from this retreat and encouraged me to attend with an expectant heart. I am glad he drew my attention to that because I otherwise would not have considered it in the flurry of preparation to leave.

As soon as I arrived I felt peaceful and excited. I could sense the same emotions in each lady as we smiled and laughed and greeted one another. It was the first time I had ever been to an event like this and I was touched by the camaraderie of sisters in Christ who were eager to pause, be still and recharge so that we could return to our daily callings with renewed spirits. Everything about this weekend was special and will be treasured in my heart, but here are 3 of my favorites:

*The beauty that is ours~ God designed women for beauty. We are drawn to it, embrace it, design it. We want to be beautiful and that desire should encourage us to seek out His definition of beauty. In Titus 2 the virtues of true beauty are listed; the woman who bears these qualities in her life is beautiful in God’s sight.  Women are especially vulnerable to the comparison game and we often fall victim to the thought that if we are not exactly like “her” then we are less than “her.” The truth is that we are all given a unique life to live except in the virtues of beauty that should describe a woman of God. In this we all share the same calling and should encourage one another in our pursuit of them.

*The solidarity that is ours~ We are not alone in our loneliness. I think that women are also vulnerable to feelings of loneliness and isolation. We pour ourselves out night and day for others and frequently feel that we are alone in our struggles to live well. We feel alone in our search for balance, our efforts to remain positive and our fight to keep going despite the fatigue. But over this weekend I was reminded that we are very much NOT alone; we are all right there together. I have never before encountered such authenticity and heart-wrenching vulnerability as my sisters in Christ and I opened up about our struggles to live in a God-glorifying way. I was comforted to know that my struggles were theirs and theirs were mine and God sees all.

*The enabling is ours~ In the midst of the sharing of weaknesses was a vibrant hope because we recognized that everything we need to be the women God has called us to be is within reach. We don’t have to be victims to our emotions or our very bad days. Fatigue does not need to dictate how we respond to our loved ones; busyness does not have to steal our joy. Depression does not have to conquer. God equips and enables so that we can live victoriously for Him.

I left the retreat with a desire to linger more each day. I determined to change my approach to each day from what I need to do to how I am going to do it. The virtues in Titus 2 are not Sunday accessories; they should adorn my heart night and day of every single day. When they do, I am a lifegiver to those who cross my path.

Have you read Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth’s Adorned?