weeklythoughtexchange

2018 is a year of immersion in books for me. I know we are only 15 days into the new year but the 5 books I have going have whetted my appetite for more. I don’t expect my reading appetite will be satiated any time soon, not while there are so many delicious books waiting for me on my bookshelves, on the floor by my nightstand and on my Amazon wish list.

Several of the books that I am reading surround the theme of motherhood: childbirth, parenting, and establishing a healthy identity as a mom. In all of these I have noted a trend of insecurity, guilt, doubt, fear, and vulnerability that the authors are striving to help their maternal audience overcome, including myself. In the past, I have pointed judgmental fingers at society, blaming it for the shadow of less-ness that it has cast upon motherhood, especially mothers who choose to stay at home to nurture and raise their children. While it is true that the choice to be a stay-at-home mom is often met with questioning or condescending gazes from those who have chosen other paths in life, I believe that modern mothers have, albeit unwittingly, undermined their role and calling in the home: including me.

I have come to this startling conclusion as I listen in to my own thoughts: “I never get enough done.” “I should be more involved in my community.” “Oops! how could I have forgotten to respond to that person’s phone call; I didn’t even do that much today.” “Wow! Look at her! Juggling a career and kids! And look at her immaculate clothes!” “Let’s see, today I should do XYZ if I can hurry and get the kids fed and in bed.” I am ever accusing and then defending and then accusing myself in my head over all that I should be doing, would like to be doing or simply can’t do in this season of small children. I am the one who is quick to justify why I love being home with my kids, why I want a lot of kids, and why I gave up a career and pursuit of a doctorate degree to be home with them – even before anyone questions my choice. I allow myself to feel overwhelmed, unkempt, out of shape, and invisible at times (or all the above at the same time). I have minimized motherhood in my heart.

The truth is that the basic care of my home and children is monumental! The truth is that there is nothing I would rather do than feed, clean and dress my little ones, play with them, instruct them, and absorb their closeness and smallness. The truth is that no one else can say they gave life to these lives, no one else will ever be their mama and no else will know them better than I do while they are small. The truth is that every day I conquer: my selfishness, my laziness, my self-pity in order to care for my family. Every day I problem-solve: for efficiency, for fixing things, for satisfying the masses. Every day I am a negotiator, a nurse, a cook, a teacher, and a storm-calmer. The truth is that time is passing more quickly every day and I am the only one who can slow it down – by being a mom who gives everything she has to assure her children that she loves them more than life itself; to my children, that means being there; to me, that means everything.

A very dear friend of mine likes to say, “Relationships would be easy if we didn’t have to deal with people.” It’s funny but it’s also true. People are complicated beings and there is no more obvious example of this than in parenting. I long to connect with the hearts of my children so that they aren’t just obeying rules; I want them to receive our rules and boundaries in a way that causes their hearts to embrace them as further evidence of their parents’ love.

Through much pondering on my own childhood memories, I have drawn the conclusion that one way of making that heart connection is to view life from the perspective of my child (or teen). How? By remembering myself at that age. Obviously, now that I am an adult my default is to reason as an adult; the decisions I make are logical to me because I have made them with adult logic, and I have most likely articulated them in a way that an adult would understand. However, this is often not effective for a young person who is still mentally and emotionally developing. I can trace certain  tendencies in myself to distinct childhood memories that were pivotal in shaping my emotional expression and social interactions – some good and some that I don’t remember with fondness.  I know that my parents always had the best of intentions in how they raised me and my siblings but at times those intentions probably weren’t conveyed in a way that we could grasp at our particular stages of mental and emotional development. We interpreted their actions and rules differently and it shaped who we have become as adults.

How am I relating this new understanding to the interactions I have with my children? I am trying to follow these steps:

• Remembering me at their age. At this moment my children are little people in a big, big world. Things that seem obvious to me are not so obvious to them and their reactions will reflect this difference in perspective. Rather than getting frustrated with them when they are reluctant, frightened or upset I am trying to remember how I viewed the world as a little person. Doing this helps me to simplify the circumstances they are currently experiencing in a way that they can grasp.
• Don’t rush. As an adult I am always thinking of what needs to be done next while children just want to be in the present. The present moment holds much wonder to them. This can be irritating to someone who has a schedule to follow and plans to keep. But then I pause to remember that when I was a child I had the same wonder as they did; slowing down with my kids is almost as good as getting to repeat my own childhood! I want to savor this opportunity to go back in time.
• Avoid minimizing their emotions. It’s all too easy to steamroll over their feelings, but children’s emotions are just as real and valid as my own. Their responses may often seem melodramatic, but it is simply because these emotions are new to them and difficult, or even impossible, for them to articulate. I don’t want to stifle their emotions or cause them to feel shame for having them. Children have the wonderful luxury of being free of worry about other people’s opinions, and I want them to always experience that freedom when they are at home – they will experience the harshness of the world all too soon.

What I have gleaned from these childhood memories and maternal reflections is that parents can have rich and personal values they wish to instill in their kids but unless they are being conveyed in a way that children can emotionally interpret, those values can prove to be stumbling stones rather than building blocks in their children’s development. I am far from being an experienced parent, but I am seeking to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can and apply it right away.

The other day I took my 3-year old on our first “official” mother-son date. I had a general schedule in mind with a rough time frame sketched out for each activity: 30 minutes at the park, 45 minutes or so for lunch, another half hour for ice cream with time left over to make a stop at Home Depot. But once we got to the park we began to explore; we happened upon a bridge that overlooked a lake inhabited by a flock of ducks. He was reluctant to rush so I took a deep breath before mentally shredding my time schedule and tossing it away. We started to count the ducks as they appeared from under the bridge and laughed as they dove for their fishy lunch. It was only our craving for burgers that forced us to leave our new duck friends.

It was in those moments of counting ducks and giggling with my little boy when I realized that there are layers to living. On the surface there are the to-do lists of responsibilities and existence, but below those lies the essence of being alive. Consider these juxtapositions:

• sitting down to dinner at a dirty, cluttered table and silently chewing and swallowing the hastily prepared food in front of you or coming to a table that has a candle lit in the center, the table settings are on place mats and the food is fragrant and warm?
• walking outside and only viewing the sidewalk or noticing the fluffy clouds in the sky, seeing the multi-colored foliage all around and hearing the birds in the trees?
• getting up in the morning and mindlessly completely the routines of the day: personal hygiene (for you and your household), dishes, laundry, meal prep or doing all of those same things but chatting and laughing with your family while you do them and maybe have some upbeat music playing in the background?

On that bridge I recognized how much of life is missed in the busyness of living. My kids are learning exponentially from simply living life slowly and observing their surroundings. This recognition has transformed my preparations for 2018. No longer is my focus going to be on accomplishing my goals; instead, I am going to be focused on slowing down, tuning in and turning the mundane into a meaningful memory. There will still be essential tasks to complete but in doing so I don’t want to miss out on the subtleties, the hidden layers, the sensory delight, the essence of living: like counting ducks with my son.

Every year reminders resound to “remember the true meaning of Christmas” or “don’t forget what Christmas is really about.” Joining into the reminder chorus are the Scrooge sentiments, “I just want to skip Christmas because it has become too commercialized” and ones from our Elf-friend, Buddy: “Christmaaaaasssss!! I loooove Christmas!!! The hustle and bustle! The yummy treats! And the presents!!!”  Certainly there must be a happy balance of serenity in the midst of this cacophony of moods.

My children are now at the age where they want to be involved in everything special and are formulating their own definitions of holidays and significant events. This has prompted me to ponder the traditions we want to create and why we want to create them. To determine this I have needed to return to the original meaning of each holiday in order to convey it clearly to these impressionable youngsters. I am thankful for the opportunity to do this because it has renewed my love for these beautiful days.  Surprisingly, Christmas has been a unique challenge; there are so many potential traditions and meanings surrounding this holiday! The line between secular and religious has been blurred since we all appreciate the terms of ‘love, joy and peace.’ Why Christmas, then? What is it about Christmas that brings out such strong emotion? I have narrowed it down to three reasons.

~Christmas is about rescue. The world was a wretched, broken place when God took on the form of a human babe and created a link between the finite and the divine. The world is still a wretched, broken place and sinners still need a Savior, but Christmas is evidence that Jesus came to rescue lost and helpless sinners.  It is now a season when we can rescue what is slipping away from us: lives, values and opportunity.

~Christmas is about rediscovery.  Hundreds of prophecies were made about Jesus’s arrival centuries before His actual birth.  However, His physical presence caused many to turn to the Scriptures and rediscover the truths that had been written about Him and God’s relationship with man. Christmas is still a time of rediscovery. It is a time to rediscover what is important to us, such as relationships and purpose, before closing out a year that we will never get back and beginning a new one.

~Christmas is about renewal.  Israel had a tradition about waiting for the Messiah ever since His coming had been prophesied. But for many it was a tradition in word only. Christ’s birth and ministry on earth renewed the hope that had been lost over centuries of waiting. Once again God walked and communed with man. Millennia removed from the first Christmas, we can still renew our commitment to living life in a way that honors what matters most to us.

What do you need to rescue this Christmas? Or are you in need of rescue? What values need rediscovering in your life? What commitments need renewing? Perhaps holding on to these three aspects of Christmas may cause the Scrooge in us to perk up a bit and experience more of the longed for Christmas spirit; perhaps it can tone down our Buddy the Elf excitement just enough to remember that Christmas is deeper than gifts, lights and hot chocolate. Remember, Hope came at Christmas.

Have you every considered your time and energy as currencies? I have viewed my time in that light but now am beginning to consider my energy supply as equally valuable. In fact, I think these two resources are linked. If I am being a discerning steward of my time then most likely my energy is being equally conserved; if I am being flippant with the minutes and hours entrusted to me then most likely my energy supply will be quickly depleted.

In my younger years, when there was only me depending on me, both my time and energy seemed abundant. I could commit myself to anyone and anything that piqued my interest as long as it didn’t interfere with work and school commitments. On the off chance that I overextended myself, well, I just had to live and learn a little. It’s not so simple now.  With small children and a hard-working husband, any time commitment or energy demand has a direct impact on everybody connected to me.  Any added task will affect my ability to fulfill the daily responsibilities that are non-negotiable. For example, a late night will make it more of a struggle to rise early the next morning which will leave me feeling frazzled as I strive to complete everything that must be done before lunch. However, when a late night is necessary I need to make the appropriate adjustments to the following day’s agenda to allow for less energy. This type of preparation can avert much frustration and stress just like adjusting the budget to cover unexpected expenses does as well.

As this year draws to a close, many of us are probably reflecting on what worked and what didn’t in our striving to live faithfully. Maybe we are making mental notes on how we want to improve in the new year or maybe we are jotting them down on a notepad. Personally, I am taking inventory of my energy supply and the hours that I have to use it. I want to align my priorities with the resources I have to fulfill them. All too often I squander my day in pursuits that may be good but simply are not worth the corners cut along the way. I hope to lessen this occurrence in the new year by clarifying my priorities and outlining how much of my time and energy should be allotted to each of them.  We can’t make it through a single day without time and energy. How are you spending yours?

My journey towards contentment has led me to dwell more on gratitude than is my tendency. I find it is my default to notice the less than desirable in life rather than what is good. I would venture to say that the majority of us identify more with Scrooge than Pollyanna when reacting to life. In fact, the Pollyannas in our life probably receive eye rolls from us more than pats on the back. However, it takes courage to be grateful when you’re struggling.

Not too long ago I was trudging through a particularly difficult few days – the “life is throwing me lemons” kind of weekend.  My reaction of preference was to throw myself a big pity party which got me to thinking about lemonade. “I suppose I should try to glean something good out of this rough patch; I’ve obviously been handed lemons so maybe I should make some lemonade. Lemonade doesn’t last too long, though,” I reasoned. I was working in my little tomato garden and that got me to thinking about seeds. “Seeds get thrown into dirt, not lush grass. They need something seemingly barren in order to take root and grow. I’m going to view this difficult time as life handing me a packet of seeds. Seeds take root, grow and produce lasting fruit.”  As I focused on all of the different “seeds” I could plant from pain and struggle, I noticed my outlook beginning to take a 180.  I could no longer be completely downtrodden in my circumstances; gratitude was replacing my discouragement.

My family and I are going to be making thankful lists to share around the Thanksgiving feast next week. These lists are going to be dated and filed away and added to through the years. We want to chronicle the cornucopia of blessings that God is faithfully pouring over us throughout our lifetime – some wrapped colorfully and delivered with joy; others more subtle and hidden within pain and tears.  I am discovering that the source of lasting contentment is gratitude to my Heavenly Father for everything He allows to enter or leave my life.

Over the past few weeks I have been intentionally carving out time in the morning to read a bit in my Bible and journal the thoughts that come from said reading. I am working my way through Paul’s epistles and no reading has left me lacking in thoughts to write down. This morning’s passage was especially convicting and inspiring to me. Here are the highlights from my reading of Colossians 3:1-17:

• “Set your heart on things above…” My heart is where the desires that motivate my life are generated. My desires must be set on God and what matters to Him rather than on myself and what matters to me.
• “Set your mind on things above…” Prior to today I had failed to notice the differentiation made between the heart and mind. Why do both have to be set on the things above? Because the heart follows the mind’s lead. The heart will desire that upon which thoughts dwell the most. I need to carefully select the food that nourishes my thoughts.
• “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach…as you sing psalms, hymns…with gratitude in your hearts…” These particular phrases resonated with me as a mom and a teacher. Desiring to fill my children’s hearts and minds with God’s truth is encouraging me to do the same with mine. I am soaking up Scripture so that I can teach it to them. I have also found that there is no better tool to do so than filling our ears with beautiful psalms and hymns and praise songs which in turn saturate our soul with truth and beauty.  How can one not be grateful to God for Who He is and all He is done when living in such an uplifting environment of joy and praise?
• “And whatever you do…do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus…” This verse strikes to the very core of my heart because it holds me accountable for the motivation behind my words and deeds. This is a command, not a suggestion: DO ALL IN THE NAME OF JESUS. Can I gossip, complain, argue, backbite, lose my temper, indulge in laziness, etc. in the name of Jesus? Of course not! I must live every moment with scrutiny and deliberation while asking myself, “Is it Name-worthy?”

Such a short passage and yet it is brimming with life-changing truth and accountability. Reading Scripture and writing about it  equip me to retain the Bible in my mind so that I can meditate upon it throughout the day. I encourage you to do the same. It will change your life!

Mess is not my favorite thing; in fact, it is something that I actively seek to avoid. My kids must hear me say, “Don’t make a mess” or “Don’t do that! It will make a mess!” at least a dozen times every day.  However, clutter, spills, dust and pet residue are not the only messes I clean up every day. ‘Messy’ is one of my favorite adjectives for life because it neatly sums up the unfinished to-do list, the rearranged schedule, the misunderstandings in relationships, the stuttered conversations and the scrambled emotions of my regular weeks. ‘Mess,’ ‘messy,’ and ‘messier’ are frequent guests in my home these days,  but they are rarely welcome ones.

Contentment, for me, is the opposite of messy.  When I think of being content, I think of myself relaxing with a glass of tea or iced coffee, my feet up and a good book in hand while I survey my sparkling home, my completed to-do list and my napping children.  Contentment is a long-term vision in my mind. It is something that I am working towards and plan to achieve when all of my ducks are in a row, all of my wrinkles are smoothed out and all of my weaknesses have been transformed into strengths. My mental reflex is to assume I’ll be content when I have that last home item purchased, my wardrobe fitted exactly to my taste and my kids are only playing with handmade toys. The catch, unfortunately, lies in the chase. I am pursuing contentment and therefore it will always elude my grasp.  Contentment cannot be obtained; it must be learned.

The thought recently occurred to me that contentment is not a human quality; it is a spiritual one. It can only come when I am less affected by circumstances and more aware of what is lasting. If I can manage my expectations for daily living in such a way that I can accept that mess happens (a lived-in home, unpredictable kids, unfinished lists, upturned plans, etc.), my heart will remain peaceful and so will my demeanor. The joy and peace which come from being content are more lasting than the satisfaction I feel from getting what I want. In the biblical book of Philippians, chapter four, the Apostle Paul declared that he had learned to be content in whatever circumstance he found himself.  What was his secret? Only this: finding strength in Christ.

You see, I become dissatisfied with life when it leaves me wanting something more or something different. I am weak with the wanting. But if I learn to experience Christ’s strength sustaining me through the trial of want (or need), I will discover peace and contentment.  Practically speaking, what changes am I implementing as I learn contentment? Rejoicing in what I do have rather than groaning about what is not mine. Purposefully recognizing how I am growing in strength and character as I endure hardship. Replying with gentle tones to difficult circumstances when I would rather cry or yell. Resurrecting buried dreams and desires and making time to live them.

The truth is that mess can be a beautiful thing if it reminds you of your priorities. It can be a pathway to better things, in fact, when schedules have to be unexpectedly rearranged or time has to be taken to rest and relax. I do know that the tone in my home has changed for the better since I have embraced learning to be content in the mess.