As I sit at my computer reflecting upon the topic of this blog, I look around at the significant (and adorable) chaos that surrounds me. Toy cars lie scattered across the living room floor; baby girl clothes are drying on the line outside; storybooks are overflowing from their basket and my current read has a corner chewed off of the cover; a smudged sippy cup is sitting on the smudged table next to the VERY smudged chair next to mine. The giggles from the nursery have finally quieted and I think it is safe to assume my little companions have slipped into their naps. It’s almost time for me to rest as well, but I felt like assembling a few thoughts into written form.
I know I have said it before albeit in different terms, but much of motherhood is about losing oneself; this can be disconcerting at best, traumatic at worst. I have desperately fought to hold on to who I was just 4 short years ago only to discover that it is a losing battle. Life changes and so must I. By no means do I regret how much my life has changed; I simply want to meld my past and present together, to hold on to what I valued in the past in addition to what I value now, to do all I did back then AND all I do now. I want to maintain an immaculate house, an exercise routine, a consistent daily/weekly/monthly schedule. I want to give my pets as much attention as I always have and be as fascinated with them as I was before kids, to avidly follow the news, and to keep a steady reading diet. I want to blog consistently each week, to be spontaneous on the weekends, and to have energy to do it all! I want to feel like I am me.
But maturation as an individual isn’t about getting what I want. It’s about embracing what I need. I need to recognize that my interests and abilities will change as my responsibilities increase; in fact, my responsibilities are revealing how much I am capable of accomplishing. I need to learn that my standards can be adjusted without compromising what is important; in fact, they must be adjusted because of what is important. I need to accept that I am just as much myself now as I was before kids; in fact, I am even more myself because I am living out my heart’s desire with these precious new individuals. I need to remember that the opposite of change is stagnation; in fact, to reach my full potential letting go of the past is imperative if I am to lay hold of the future. Everything I value is still a part of me; right now certain things play a lesser role in my daily routine than they once did. Once in a while I will be able to turn my full attention upon them and when those occasions arise I will enjoy it.
In the meantime, I’m going to navigate the sea of cars at my feet so I can check the laundry before snatching a few moments with my feet up.
What are some changes in your life that you are needing to accept?