I write for two reasons:
- To write- it’s how I process life. As soon I could fluently put sentences on paper I have been writing and I have a journal collection as witness.
- To testify to God’s faithfulness- He has called me to be His servant and He works mightily in my life. I must declare what He does.
And that is why I am writing today. I am not writing to flaunt my weaknesses or to seek advice; it would be easy to blog about my ideals and skew my words in order to imply that my life aligns with them perfectly. But it doesn’t. I struggle.
Most days it seems like the trials seize control. These postpartum emotions are all too real; they stalk me, taunt my inadequacies, and threaten to conquer when I am at my lowest point. Without them I would bravely face my husband’s work trips, not lose my cool with incessant harmonica playing and not sit on the floor sobbing after the one-year old pours a can of pee (don’t ask!) on himself and later locks himself in his room. I would roll my eyes in exasperation at the continual clutter surrounding me but not despair; I would feel blessed by having dogs and kids velcroed to my side all day (well, maybe blessed is too saintly a description).
I often lie awake at night reflecting on my day and regretting every lost opportunity for filling memories with love and gentleness rather than impatience, anger and harsh tones. My eyes will tear up with immense love for the little people that were so exasperating during nap time or went to bed screaming just moments before. I feel shame for even having this postpartum struggle because I should “know better.”
As real as these postpartum lows are Christ is greater than their reality. After a stressful nap time He reminds me that there can be bedtime snuggles. During a long night He soothes me with the thought that tomorrow is a fresh start. And after a desperate mother’s prayerful plea for help with a locked door, it swung open- reminding me that in the loneliest moments I am not alone.
Motherhood is daunting at times because we become exhausted. Sometimes, we need to do less, and not more. Rest is crucial, even if you must let something be undone. God has gifted you with these little blessings because He knows you have a big heart, with lots of love to give away. Love is always the answer when we think we are not good enough. We are God’s own children, and we are born already ‘good enough’. Praying for you! Caring for so many children at a tender age requires so much patience. Give yourself a pat on the back. You are doing an awesome job!!! God gave you these particular children and this job because you were the only candidate He wanted for this position…How amazing is that!!!!!! And your writing is so inspiring and from the heart…a gift to be shared!
Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes I feel SO inadequate for this stewardship but I know God is trustworthy!
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I love reading your writings. It brings back memories of the past. You are stong woman and with your faith, you are never alone! The Lord is always with us!! ✝
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Thank you for sharing your motherhood peaks and valleys with honesty. Believe me, I remember how hard it was to handle one newborn and one toddler. Your hands are loaded beyond what I knew! I’m so glad God found a little way (with the door) to show You He is there with you in the midst. For He is. May He send a song or a scripture to lift you and carry you, when all you do is lift and carry others. Oh how He loves you and your little ones, too. Praying for wave after wave of peace to cover you this day! So glad you write!
This is beautiful! Thank you for being there in prayer for me and mine.