weeklythoughtexchange

On the eve of your 7th birthday you snuggled between your Poppa and I to look at your birth book. We reminisced about your arduous birth and the exhilaration of hearing, seeing and holding you for the very first time. With you, our parenting journey began- not just at the moment of your birth but when we realized you were on your way to joining us.

You came into our lives before our marriage was a year old. Your pregnancy tested our mettle in ways we didn’t expect- my sickness, fatigue, mood swings and overall discomfort the entire time. It all culminated with your birth, making it one of the most uplifting experiences we have had. And suddenly we were holding someone who would continue to change our lives forever. That was seven years ago! And now look at you!

When I first held you, I thought you would always fit in my arms; I would also be dressing you and helping you to walk; I would always be reading to you and scooping you up when you fell down. You would always need me to help you eat and reach things for you and put lids on your sippy cups. The sweetly naive thoughts of a brand new mom! Of course I knew you would grow up…one day…but not this fast!

Here you are! Your head comes to my arm. You’re able to do just about everything for yourself and you read like a pro! I rely on your muscles when Poppa isn’t home and you’re capable of doing almost any new task I suggest to you. You do everything you can to help me when you know I’m tired or hurting. It’s astounding to watch and I wonder when it all happened. But what amazes me the most about you is your inquisitive, insightful mind.

For you, thoughts, dreams, ideas and questions are constantly spinning through: “Mom, i would like to live underwater.” “Mom, what would happen if you stepped on to Mercury?” “What does iniquity mean?” “Poppa, how often do we need to repent?” “When I’m grown up I want to travel the world!” “I would like to grow all the vegetables!” “In my dreams, I always defeat the bad guys and I can fly too!” “I know everything about wolves because I read about them in a book.” “Mom, was this general a bad guy? I didn’t like what he said to Abraham Lincoln. That’s what I think he was a bad guy.” “Mom, I really need my oatmeal for breakfast today.”

Yes, you are very much a young man, but there are still adorable freckles all across your little face. You still have tooth gaps in your smile. You still want to hold my hand when we walk together and snuggle up close to me to read a book. You still fight dragons and bad guys in all of your explorations and anticipate what the tooth fairy will leave under your pillow. And you still need me to tuck you in at night. These precious moments take me back to when I first met you.

I like you just the way you are, respect who you are becoming, and love knowing you are my son,

With all my heart, Mama

Early this month we had an unwelcome guest in our home: the dreaded C-virus. When we realized what was causing the chills and the cold symptoms, our minds had to battle fear and anxiety. It seemed like all we heard were the tragedies and potential tragedies. And in those nights of uncontrollable coughing or the moments with shortness of breath, we wondered if we were indeed dealing with something dreadful. But deeper insight always returned with the morning light.

I disciplined myself to seek out how God was using this illness for His glory and my good. It wasn’t always easy but here are a few of the things I noted:

• It can be freeing to face my fears. This virus has been haunting us for over a year. The lives it’s taken have dominated the headlines. In many ways I was relieved to finally face it for myself and experience what all the talk was about. It was terrible but it was also survivable. And now I have natural immunity.
• The body is AMAZING! I didn’t any medication except for Tylenol and Mucinex; other than those, everything else I did and took were natural remedies. It took time but my body fought back and kicked the virus. Even my energy is fully restored and I have no inhibitions in my breathing. It was a reminder to me that our bodies are designed to fight illnesses and can do so quite well if they are supported by healthy living.
• I can be flexible! We got sick at the beginning of the new school year. Initially, I panicked. I didn’t want us to get a late start or fall behind. I pondered and prayed and decided we could do have half days of school until my energy and health returned. So we did. We didn’t miss a day of school and we are right on track. It’s good to experience a need for flexibility.
• Hardship brings blessing. During our quarantine and convalescence, we were flooded with kindness from others: dog sitting, groceries delivered, meals dropped off, activities sent for the children, and abundant prayers. We were humbled to experience community rallying around is. It was also a time to reflect on my strengths and weaknesses for a fresh start when I recovered. Not being able to care for my family for nearly two weeks made me appreciate it when I could do so once again.

The coronavirus is very real; it does bring loss of life and heartbreaking stories. But recovery from this virus is also very real. This was my experience and I’m thankful that I was able to have it. I believe I am stronger and more resilient because of it.

A year ago I had spent the two weeks prior to this day focused inwardly and feeling miserable. I was beyond ready to have my baby in my arms and be rid of all the discomfort that comes with being two weeks post due date. A year later I have spent nearly the past two weeks before this day focused inwardly and feeling miserable as I recover from COVID and ponder all that’s going on in this world. Is it just me or does the world seem to get more perplexing every year?

Much to my relief Rowan did come and his birth was one of the most beautiful experiences in my life. I still think back on it and can remember every detail- bright sunlight shining on us being one of the most prominent memories and the bag of waters bursting all over everyone within range just before he was born.

From day one Rowan has shown situational awareness and emotional acuity. Within days of birth he smiled and hasn’t stopped. He makes intense eye contact and anyone who responds is greeted with a four teeth grin. Once Rowan figured out that legs are for standing, he practices standing without holding on multiple times a day and he cheers himself on with baby claps.

His personal motto is, “ah da!” And it suffices for every scenario in which he finds himself; that, and kissing sounds. Those always get his family’s attention too. Music gets little be-bops out of him and he enjoys carefully looking at old book friends and reflecting to himself about each page. I remember so clearly those first weeks of bonding and snuggling with him. I studied every inch of him and was just in wonder about his freshness. And somehow he went from a tiny brand new person to someone who holds his own in the family. He went from swaddling to crawling in how many short months? Milk to solids? Gazing at the ceiling to driving toy cars with his brothers?

The world does feel like a more perplexing place each year but celebrating this one-year old today reminds me that the things of value last: the security of home where babies are safe to be themselves; the consistency of family to annoy and celebrate each other; the repetition of those book friends that stay the same no matter how often they are read; and the confidence that God creates life even while knowing what lies ahead.

Happy birthday dear Rowan Micaiah! Remember your name!

To not want to miss even the smallest of milestones my children make?

To want to be the one they need to have see all of their new accomplishments and discoveries?

To want to be a part of everything they do and see and learn?

To want be the one they come to with questions?

To want to be they run to when they are frightened or reach for when they are hurting?

To want to hear about every second of their experiences when we have been apart?

To not want to skip a single night of bedtime kisses or round of morning greetings?

To want them to know all about my hobbies and interests and passions?

To see them mature or exhibit a growth in understanding and feel proud, knowing that I had an active role in bringing that about?

The other night I was tucking our oldest son into bed and he asked me if a particular historical figure had been a bad guy. I wasn’t familiar with the person so he pulled out a history book he was reading, flipped to the page that had a black and white photo of the general and said, “The things this man said made me think he was a bad guy…” My heart nearly burst as I realized how many layers of growth could be explored in that one statement: he was reading and pondering and understanding. Such growth!

And our oldest daughter astounds me with her aptitude for initiative. If there’s a mess, she cleans it up (with cleaning spray and all); if there are tears, she soothes the younger sibling and wipes them away; if I express weariness, she finds a way to help out. Such maturity!

I’m left with the thought that our children need to know that their parents are wowed by them. They need to see that we cheer the loudest when they succeed, weep the hardest when they are broken, and celebrate the longest when they grow and learn. And that comes with not only quality time but large quantities of quality time. Often the greatest victories are the most subtle and the ones who spend the most time with our children will be the ones to recognize them. I think it provides our children with a sense of security and fulfillment when we point out their growth to them; it encourages us as parents, as well, and allows us to know where to go next in our parenting.

Is it selfish to not want to share my children with the world before I absolutely have to? I don’t think so; I really don’t.

A few years back an unmarried brother in Christ blogged about the importance of people in different seasons of life sharing their lives with one another. He shared about how he enjoyed time in the homes of families just as much as he enjoyed hanging out with his single friends. I’ve pondered this through the years because it’s easy for me to think that people without children might find time with us a drag; or perhaps our single friends might find our marriage as irritating as salt in a wound; or maybe couples with one or two children will find our family dynamics chaotic; or….maybe I’m overthinking it.

A few months ago God did something He is so good at doing: intersecting lives. On my first night volunteering at my favorite pregnancy resource center, after a year’s absence, I met Vanessa. She was a recent college graduate and was clearly in a holding pattern with life. She wasn’t being idle, however; she was ministering and serving and studying and kneeling at the Throne of Grace with every spare moment she had. Conversation flowed well between us and as the weeks rolled by we became friends.

Then she asked me something that blew me away! She wanted to start coming over a couple times a week just to be a part of our family life. She had been praying for a chance to witness a large family in action and she viewed my family as that answer. I welcomed her in and since that first Monday visit the children refer to her as “our Ms. Vanessa.” She became my teacher assistant during school, prepping crafts, sharpening pencils, supervising little fingers; she helped me in the kitchen; she read and sang and danced with the children and soothed the baby; she even babysat a couple of times.

But what blessed me more than anything was that Vanessa found value in my life, enough value to open up and share her life with me. She shared her bucket list with me; her hopes and dreams and fears and big decisions. In sharing with me, she helped me remember my experiences and thoughts I had recorded in journals and then forgotten. And she soaked in all of the details about our daily life but didn’t find them mundane in the least. Even our lunch menu intrigued her! Looking back on our time together I can see such beauty in what God did. He brought two of His daughters together, in very different seasons of life, to help them see the necessity of being exactly where they are in life. Each step we take is necessary for the next step to be taken.

I wish our chapter with Vanessa could have been much, much longer but I am humbled that we were able to open our doors and share our life with her for any length of time at all. And going forward I’ll try to overthink things a little less: may we always be ready to share the season we are in.

For some reason, this resonated with me: “…and they withdrew by themselves…but the crowds learned about it and followed…”

This is at the beginning of Luke’s account of the feeding of the five thousand. The apostles were eager to tell Jesus all about their missionary adventures so they sought a quiet place to fellowship and unwind. Jesus was consistent in the discipline of quietness and I think He was seeking to instill that trait in His disciples as well. However, the multitudes weren’t interested in that; they wanted more audience with Jesus and so they followed Him.

I long for a consistent routine of quietness in my day and my week. I would like time to be still, to be alone, to think and pray and reflect and read and write, to hear my own thoughts, to breathe in deeply without being touched or pulled on or having screams ringing in my ears. So, I wake up early only to have the dog whining to go out followed by my quiet reverie disturbed by a child wailing outside my door. Later on, I attempt to linger in the bathroom only to hear crashes and bangs and come out to find a huge mess all over the floor. In the afternoon, I settle down on the couch with a book or writing project and am followed by the dog nudging my arm and nap-fighters popping out of bed. And all throughout my day, there’s a constant mediating, question-answering, boundary-setting regimen happening.

But the story doesn’t continue with Jesus throwing up His hands in exasperation and shouting, “Go away! All of you! Can’t you see I’m trying to rest?!” (His disciples were more than willing to do this for Him and I would have agreed with them). Instead, He welcomed them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God and healed them. And after that, one of the most well-known miracles happened- all of them were fed their fill with a meager 5 loaves and 2 fish. Whoa!!!!!

What can a mama (or anyone else who interacts with people every day) glean from this? There are no regrets in responding with kindness and wisdom. Calm the clamor with instruction about God and His word; touch the hurting; and fill the hungry with God’s provision. And the amazing thing is that the provision will come from my meager stores of energy, time, patience and love because I’m not in the fray alone. Jesus is ready to welcome, teach, heal and fill when I am not. When I want to say, “Go away!” He will help me embrace instead.

And the reprieves will come in time.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.” ~Hebrews 11:1-2

We live in a world where the apparently impossible has become possible. How do you think Columbus would have responded to a GPS or Davy Crockett to an IPhone? We have ultrasounds and MRIs and microwaves and frozen lasagna and programmable wash machines and robots that clean our floors and cars with AC…pioneers in covered wagons teleported into the future would stand with mouths agape at the conveniences we now feel entitled to have.

But they had something we struggle to grasp: faith in an unseen God. I think that in spite of our vast knowledge and our ability to seemingly create miracles through science, we find it difficult to fathom that there is Someone who is still in control of everything. The ancients (and the pioneers) had the skill of self-sufficiency along with the ability to acknowledge God. This certainly does not mean they were all genuine believers, repentant and saved by grace alone, but there was an openness to faith in those centuries that we are lacking in ours.

I don’t know about you, but when I read about Gladys Aylward and other heroes of the faith, I stand in awe! “Wow! Such faith!” I often think. “I would like God to work mightily in my life like that.” Instead, I can only see the questions I wrestle with as the tragedy and evil and every day frustrations threaten to consume me. But “faith is being sure of what we hope for.” Jesus said ask and it will be given, seek and we will shall find, knock and the door will be opened.

Even in an age of gadgets, instant answers and medical wonders, we can still have faith. Faith to believe that God is in control when we are jolted by the realization that we are not; faith to knock on unopened doors; and faith to seek God when people say He doesn’t exist.

“Well of course it is!” you might be saying incredulously. “What kind of a question is that?”

It’s an honest one. I know that there are reams of Bible verses about joy and rejoicing; some of them are even commands. So why, then, is there often a reluctance to jump off into outright happiness?

I don’t know about you, but I sometimes feel guilty about being happy around other people. I sometimes feel like to be a part of the conversation I need to have my share of woes to contribute. If I’m a chipper in my conversations, I feel brushed aside for not really understanding what life is all about it. That’s one reason I pause before entering into happiness.

Another inhibitor to a lighter spirit is ME. I find that if I simply allow myself the freedom to be happy in spite of my circumstances, it means I’m not fully invested in what’s going on or that I’m being naive about the seriousness of life: the level of my sorrow is an indicator of how much I care.

What is a heart to do? Persist in positivity no matter what vibes are given off by others? Laugh instead of cry when there’s the urge to do both? Jump off the cliff of melancholy into the sea of joy, ignoring all reasons for hesitation? It’s hard to make that leap at times; the conflicting emotions are real.

I wonder if that’s why God made it a command to rejoice: “Rejoice always…” “Count it all joy…” “In everything give thanks…” and we are even reminded of the benefits of happiness: “A cheerful heart is good medicine!” In those times when we step forward, then step back, then timidly step forward again, it is nice to have the authority of God’s Word behind us, urging us on and assuring us that, yes, it is, indeed, ok to be happy.

I was chatting with a friend last night about the necessity of putting away the phone for a spell. She and I had both done so in some form this past week and we remarked on what a relief it was to our brains to simply be present and to be quiet.

In Luke 6:12, Jesus went out alone to pray to His Father. He prayed all night. Now, I’m assuming that most of us do not have the fortitude to pray all night, but I think we can find ways to be mentally still and reflective for an extended length of time- either for a day or throughout a week.

Prior to phones and the Internet quiet was woven into our day. Radios would have to be intentionally turned on; phone calls could wait; people had to stop by; errands could be run in silence. Think back even further to the farm days or the pioneer days- silence unless you were working with family or listening to the sounds of nature around you: the wind across the prairie, birds chatting, bugs buzzing… imagine the communication with God that could happen then!

Now we are bombarded with the demands of instant communication; reams of information is hurled at us from social media, the Internet, podcasts and YouTube; conversations can happen around the clock no matter where we are and we feel obligated to read, respond and repeat to all of it right away. It becomes a burden.

As summer vibes trickle into the atmosphere, I’m going to remember the old days, the pioneer days and Jesus’s mountainside retreat and seek quiet whenever I can. My children need me present; my husband and I need time for conversation; and my spirit needs to hear Jesus.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

This familiar passage from Proverbs 3 begs to be unpacked and set up in our daily life. It’s easy to flippantly quote it but much harder to intentionally apply it.

For instance, take that tiny word all. I think we would quickly affirm that God knows best. I mean, after all, He is God. But do we trust Him with every beat of our heart? What about that move you have to make? That lost relationship? The illness wracking your body? The political chaos in our world? Do we trust He knows best when He allows the painful things to happen? The bad things? The sad things?

And what does it look like to acknowledge the Lord in all of our ways? I think it happens when we seek His word before making major decisions based on what makes sense to us. I think it can be seen when we do what’s hard because we know it is right. I think it is submitting to those in authority over us even when it doesn’t make sense.

Finally, he will make your paths straight. This doesn’t mean the path will be smooth sailing; it does mean that our path will lead us into a deeper understanding of who God is. After reading the life accounts of the heroes in the faith who have gone before us, I see that obedience to God doesn’t mean that God is going to keep trouble far from us; rather, He confirms His will by bringing us through the trouble. When God calls us out of comfortable it is for the purpose of encountering Him in new ways and in new places.

Sometimes I give my children instructions that they resist: they don’t understand why I’m giving the instruction or it interferes with their plans. I want them to trust me implicitly and obey immediately. Why? Because I have a plan for them. I know what will grow their character, sharpen their minds and bring them joy. If they would hear my word and obey, their lives would be so much richer and fulfilling. And so it is with God. He knows what will grow us, build us and give us the deepest joy. We simply need to trust…and obey.