weeklythoughtexchange

I can’t believe it! For the first time in weeks all 4 of my children are napping AT THE SAME TIME!! Every day I work towards this goal and every day at least one pair of large brown eyes refuses to close or pops open when the other 3 sets gently succumb to the wonder of sleep. God knew I needed a few moments to be still and think and write since it’s been a…hmmm…searching for the perfect word here…a day! Burned fingers, spilled dogfood, bread baking, homemade mac and cheese, baby-wearing, dinosaur roars, sisters screaming, beds not made, cleaned out fridge, unfolded laundry (oh yeah! I forgot about that!), business-building ideas zipping through my mind, preschool planning simmering in my mind, music on from two different sources, HUGE box that somehow ends up in every room I’m in! Ha! I love my life!

And in the midst of this cacophony of life a picture keeps coming to my mind. It’s of my son in pale green overalls studying a globe. He wants to know the name of every country on that sphere; he wants to know why it turns; he wants to know how we can “get there” (wherever his finger happens to be touching).  And my heart falls and lifts at the same moment:  how I want to protect him and his siblings from the sinister motives of evil lurking in our midst. To shield them from all that will taint their innocence, lure their hearts away from what is good and pure, deceive their minds with lies and harm their bodies. And how I want this young boy to love people! To ache when he sees the sorrow in our midst. To yearn to share with them that he serves a risen Savior! To strive to be a surrendered vessel in His Master’s scarred hands. One day this young boy will be a man and he will step out into the world. Will he be ready?

It’s a question that never leaves my heart. There are times when I watch him and his siblings at play, at mealtime, or sleeping peacefully at night and I try to envision them in 10 or 15 years. It’s hard to do. It’s hard to see past the reminders to go potty, or the kisses on owies or how easily fussiness dissipates when I sit down to read them a story. I know a time will come when today will be yesterday and I’ll be saying, “Remember when you sucked your thumb?” or “Remember when you would play with your cars and trucks for hours and you built a Costco out of blocks?” or “Remember when we played pirates together?” In the midst of these busy moments of care-giving, how do I prepare my little boys and girls to reach the world without it consuming their identities and changing who they intrinsically are?

Home. This is the place where they can safely become the men and women God has designed them to be. This is where character is molded and refined in relationship with their family members and intentional encounters with the outside world. This is where they learn what it means to serve and sacrifice because you love someone. This is where they know they are loved for who they are and not what they do. This is where they can come with all of their questions and fears, mistakes and milestones, triumphs and tragedies and know that their emotions will be shared by all who are a part of this family. This place called home will hold a significant place in their hearts and be a constant reminder of their beginning, their purpose, and their destination. My prayer is that wherever they go and with whomever they meet, they’ll be talking about home.

Do you have a placed called home?

[Author’s note: In the time it took me to write this post, a certain baby boy ended up in my lap]

This weekend was an opportunity for me to catch up with myself after walking through a valley period for the past few weeks. My mind felt saturated with thoughts and experiences and my heart needed time to sift through all of the emotions. One thing I did was to withdraw from social media; I hopped on strictly for business purposes and then hopped right back off.  I did not check notifications or scroll news feeds; I was pleasantly surprised by the effect this small change had on my state of mind.

My reflex in quiet moments was to reach for my phone; my thumb got into scrolling posture and I had to actively seek an alternative. Instead of perusing the happenings of others, I listened to podcasts and learned some incredible facts about how to cultivate a healthy mindset. I read several chapters in a beloved book and was reminded of how much rich information my mind can absorb from real pages in a relatively short amount of time. I carried on longer conversations with my husband and we covered some new topics. I observed my children at play and realized how unconcerned they are with what the happenings on Facebook and Instagram.

As Sunday drew to a close, I reflected on my weekend without social media. One truth I gained was that I enjoyed my own life more without the subtle pressure of feeling that it is only good if it can be shared in some way with other people. I was subconsciously measuring the quality of my life by the number of ‘likes’ my status updates received. I discovered that I interactions with individuals can be more meaningful than mass approval or generic comments. More than anything, my mind felt renewed.

2 Corinthians 10:5 declares, “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” Nobody can deny the power of the mind. Our lives are controlled by it. The Bible also commands that we should not be “conformed…but transformed by the renewing of our minds.” Immersion in social media consumed my thoughts: “What am I going to post next?” “This picture is Instagram worthy.” ” Will people agree with me?” “Ooo, how many likes did that post get? Did anyone comment?” And then there is all the trending gossip that quickly idle away hours of my time – time that could have been spent filling my mind with life-changing knowledge, interacting with real life, or joining in with the imaginings of my children.

There is an almost 4-year old in our house who is experiencing a surge in brain power. He questions concepts and challenges ideas all throughout the day. It’s exhausting! It’s also a reminder to me that I need to be engaged with my world at all times; I cannot zone out or allow my own mind to slip into stagnancy.  There are answers to his questions and fresh problems and puzzles for him to solve. As long as I am feeding my mind with rich knowledge and listening for God to speak His wisdom and truth into my life, I can do the same for my boy. Social media may just have to take a back seat in my day.

What percentage of your day is influenced by social media? Are you willing to take on the challenge of a day without it? What are some things that you would like to do but feel like you don’t have enough time for them?

It’s not been an easy few weeks for me. It all started when our third child fell and fractured her ankle. My husband left a couple days after that which required me to take all 4 kids to get her cast put on…thankfully only one partial meltdown occurred just before leaving the doctor’s office. The day after my husband returned we made an unplanned trip to Texas for a week for a funeral and only a couple of days after we returned I had to go to the hospital for some unexpected medical concerns which are still not completely resolved. In the midst of all of this, I’m dealing with a friendship gone south after an unresolved misunderstanding that transpired nearly a year ago. I provided all of these details to set the stage for today’s adventure.

Our kitchen was quite bare since we still hadn’t restocked upon returning from our trip – nearly 5 days ago. I knew my husband had some long work days coming up and I didn’t want our entire Saturday to be spent in Costco so last night I dared myself to go by myself with the kids. “All right,” I replied, “I accept your dare.”  The first thing I determined in preparation for this adventure was to not rush the kids AT ALL when they got up. The minute I put the pressure on them they dig in their heels and move even slower than normal. So I acted as if it was business as usual but mentioned we would go to Costco once morning chores were done. “Costco?” they squealed. “Maybe there will be samples!” They moved a bit faster after that but not much.

Morning chores consist of clearing the table, sweeping, unloading the dishwasher, pet care, time on the potty, getting dressed and brushing teeth, and making the beds. The kids help with pretty much all of it in some way.  I left them cleaning up their rooms when I took the dog out; as I was approaching the house (after having walked about 30 steps away) I look up to see my bare-naked son standing in the driveway with a shocked look on his face as he declared, “Mom! You left without me!” He was quickly joined by his younger sister who was only wearing a T-shirt and the child with the bright pink cast was not far behind. “Oh goodness,” I thought, “this is only supposed to happen to other people!” I shooed my bare-bottomed offspring back into the house and reviewed their instructions from only 3 minutes ago. Instruction number one: get dressed.

An hour later, give or take 30 minutes, we were finally in the car and on our way to Costco. Everybody was very excited, including me. I had packed ample snacks and prayed that it had been a wise decision to pack lightly by only taking 2 diapers and a pull-up instead of the whole diaper bag. I also prayed that my mostly potty-trained two-year old would not need to go pee at all in Costco and that I wasn’t being naive to have left her in panties instead of putting a pull-up on her as a precaution.  Upon arriving at the store, I loaded the two girls in the cart, put the baby’s seat in the Snap and Go stroller, and assigned Makoa to push the stroller (after all, he turns 4 this month). I held my breath as we navigated that huge parking lot. I told him to stay close to me and to look at the baby while I watched for cars.  He froze mid-lot a couple of times because he thought cars were coming but gained confidence as we got closer to the entrance.

I lost count of how many times I heard, “You have your hands full” and the looks of pity that accompanied those comments. One open-mouthed lady asked, “Are they all yours?” One Costco employee stopped in his tracks to watch Makoa pushing the stroller and said, “You must really trust him! My son would have tipped the stroller over by now.” I replied, “I really do trust him. He is a good boy.”  The refrigerated rooms made us all laugh. The kids would cry out, “Coldee! Coldee” and then giggle incessantly. As we walked along, completing our list, I doled out snacks as needed.   My fantastic stroller-pusher would shout out, “Samples! I see samples, Mom!” and we would work our way over to them as quickly as possible. Then he would say, “I think we should pause,” since he couldn’t eat and push at the same time. So we would pause and it would give me time to think.

I thought about how I felt with all the stares, the looks of wonder and the looks of pity. I wondered how I would handle it if everyone chose to fall apart at the same time. I encouraged myself to relax my shoulders and just enjoy the moment. I chatted with my children and savored the samples and rather liked not having to worry about lunch today.

We had made it through the check out and were headed to the exit with receipt in hand when Little Miss Pink Cast decided it was time to stand up in the cart. In the process, her cast got stuck. So there we were – in the middle of the lane – trying to maneuver her immobile foot while she got madder and madder. I finally got her seated again but by this time she was very upset. She decided to vent loudly and viciously whacked the cart, something that did not make her feel any better. I chose to not take a quick survey of the audience I knew we had.

We made it out of the store and the change of scenery soothed the melting down toddler. I instructed my son to “Watch Kealoha and watch me and I’ll watch for cars.” Then my darling two-year old said, “And I’ll watch Kale’a and I’ll watch me.” She really wanted to feel like she had a job too. When we arrived at our van, I breathed a sigh of victory.  I looked at Makoa and said, “You made me so proud today. You did such a good job pushing that stroller and helping me.” He got a sheepish grin and slightly shrugged his shoulders, “Yeah, I did.” I scooped him up in a big bear hug.  Kalena said, “I did a good job too, Mommy, and you did a good job.”

Sitting here reflecting about my day and all that I’ve experienced recently I have come to the conclusion that I can walk in confidence. My fear and anxieties mostly come from wondering how I’ll handle unknown situations – bad ones, painful ones, humiliating ones. And even deeper down I’m worried that how I handle it will prove me inadequate at best, a failure at worst. Now I see that I don’t have to be ashamed of my imperfections, of having my own opinions and perspectives, or of making choices of which others may disapprove. I can even have people dislike me and I’m okay. I’m okay because I know that God’s got me. In the throes of sorrow, in the hurt of rejection, in the humiliation of toddler tantrums in public, He’s got me and He provides a way to survive. He allows all things for my good and His glory. It may sound simplistic to say this but all I’m really called to do in this life is believe Him.

How has God proven Himself faithful to you today?

I haven’t stopped thinking about that merry-go-round. It reminds me of how life is sometimes. There are days when it seems like we are going in the same direction with no variation and it leaves us dizzy and disappointed. Sometimes I feel like I’m poured out and wrung dry with nothing left to give or feel by the end of the day. Other days it seems like we are spinning backwards and are helpless to do anything about it. We don’t really know what’s going on and it just feel likes everything we’ve invested in is coming undone. And then there are those perfectly imperfect days when there’s nothing I’d rather do but enjoy the ride: the wind, the spin, the sun, the people riding next to me, the continuity, the understanding that I don’t have to do anything to keep the ride turning, I just need to be.  Days like today.

Why can’t today last forever? Not because it was perfect – because it wasn’t. It had its share of challenges and exhaustion.  But despite all of that today I was surrounded by loved ones in body and spirit. Today I could soak up time with aged loved ones and glean their wisdom. Today my husband I spent the day together and our babies were in our arms. Today I could snuggle my infant while he slept. Today my daughter fell asleep on the floor by our bed sometime after midnight like she does pretty much every night. Today I didn’t have to bid anyone an eternal farewell. Today I could absorb life with all of my senses. Today I loved and hugged and smiled and laughed and cried. I cried because sometimes I want the merry-go-round to hold still for just a moment longer since I’m not ready for it to stop for good.

How do you savor your perfectly imperfect days? What do you do to make them slow down? What is your favorite animal on a merry-go-round?

We visited an old playground today. My husband played there when he was not much older than our oldest. A little pathway wove between vintage swing sets, wooden bridges, rustic teeter totters, and an old purple dinosaur. The tall wooden fence surrounding the park was sagging just enough to be give it a romantic air, especially with the overgrown greenery embracing it. And beyond the play equipment the park stretched back into a hideaway that would make a perfect backdrop for childhood make believe. The instant this playground and I met my heart skipped a beat.

What caught my attention the most was a vintage merry-go-round that was near the stagecoach jungle gym. It had four steel animals, a sheep, a seahorse, a bird and a horse, on a wooden spinning base. Their paint was faded and chipped, a sign that many years of children had sat upon them. I couldn’t help but feel that if I spun it hard enough and hopped on at just the right moment it would carry me back in time. And then my mind envisioned all the parents and children who had ever played at this park and I wondered what paths their lives followed when they left this beautiful place.

Many of my romantic imaginings today were inspired by the books I have read. As my children squealed with delight, explored and created their own imaginary adventures where their poppa once played, my heart was content. Childhood should be filled with books and merry-go-rounds.

There are nights when I close my eyes burdened by frustration over how I could have lived better; then there are nights when I fall asleep with a settled heart knowing I was present. What does a peaceful day look like?

It doesn’t mean that there are zero sibling squabbles. It doesn’t mean that I accomplish everything on my to-do list. It doesn’t even mean that I walk around with a smile on my face the whole day or never raise my voice in impatience or exasperation. Instead it means that I have approached all that I must do with an “I want to do it” attitude: the laundry, the meal-making, the routine child care (which consumes most of my day), even the dusting! My default is to feel frustrated when I’m not able to accomplish the things on my me-list such as being alone for a few minutes, reading more than a few paragraphs at a time, tackling the list of topics I want to write about or putting items in the chest freezer we bought over a week ago. But if when I view everything I did accomplish in my day as things I genuinely wanted to do anyway, I enter into those things with relish and joy.

In fact, just last night I was sitting on the girls’ bedroom floor for our evening song and prayer before bed. The kids were being goofy and not settling down; normally I would have gotten frustrated since we were an hour past bedtime but for a split second it felt like time froze for me and I felt 100% PRESENT! As I took time to journal about my day I reflected on the evening walks we have taken two nights in a row. They were perfect! The kids set the pace and we simply wandered, observed, and chatted. Taking this slower pace has been especially beneficial for our oldest since it allows him to verbalize the thoughts zooming through his deep-thinking mind. On yesterday’s walk he independently expressed empathy for strangers, something I would not have expected from someone so young. This is the life I dreamed of having – every bit of it – and I’m going to embrace it with the biggest bear hug I can muster.

What about you? Are there things you do every day that feel mundane or feel like cumbersome chores standing the way of real fun? Are there moments you are missing because you are busy trying to get things done in order to move on to something you’d rather be doing instead? For today, can you slow down and be present in each task set before you out of gratitude that you are capable of doing it? Trust me, you won’t regret a day of gratitude, joy and peace.

Monday is drawing to a close and I’m still catching my breath from the weekend. I was already resisting anxiety about the longer hours my husband would be working in the following days and then our 18-month old took a nasty tumble resulting in a fractured ankle. One member’s challenge quickly changes the dynamics of the entire household as all focus shifts to that person’s needs – but that isn’t easy to do when the majority of the family is under the age of 4. They haven’t quite grasped the fact that their needs might not be met as quickly as they usually are since Mama has to carry Little Sister a little more, and Little Sister is not appreciating her limited mobility.

Today the kids and I took our Little Bit to get her cast. I was nervous about how it would all go: me with all the kids, in a part of town that is unfamiliar to us, to a doctor we have never seen, for a procedure that we have never experienced. I packed food and activities and prayed. After Friday’s chaos, I prepared for impact and prayed some more. And you know what? The excursion unfolded beautifully. We didn’t get lost. We found parking. We arrived on time. The kids were cheerful. Our patient laid still and even held up her leg for the cast to be put on. The medical technicians praised her to the moon and back. We got home all in one piece. (Bedtime was another story, but for now the house is quiet and I have time to reflect.)

Sunday’s sermon was on the beginning portion of chapter 3 in the book of John. The pastor drew our attention to verse 8 where Jesus explains that the Holy Spirit moves at will just as the wind blows where it wishes. Jesus was using the wind to illustrate the sovereignty of God. We cannot know the mind of God unless He chooses to reveal it to us. If you’re like me, I plan out the hours in my day with the expectation that they will flow exactly as I want them to because certainly that is best, right? But in life the unexpected and the inexplicable happens, and we are left hurt, puzzled, frustrated, angry, bitter, or in despair. If we can’t understand something, we wonder why it occurred. And that’s exactly why it happened.

When control of our lives is wrested from our grip, we are forced to recognize that God reigns. He determines what is best for us and gives Him glory. When life trots placidly along, it takes more effort for me to give all glory to God; when it twists and turns, the only one I can hold on to is the Almighty Savior. My peace cannot lie in circumstances; it must rest in God’s goodness. In the tumult of the past couple of days, I did have peace knowing that all of this was going to work out for our good; if God is glorified then it is good for me. And when I let go I enjoy the ride so much more! I am thankful that the Master of the wind is my Master too.

I feel the need to put this day into words. It started the night before with another midnight changing of pee-soaked sheets; despite the turbulent night I still decided to go to our splash pad play date. I’m still not sure if it was good I did or not – which is why I am writing about my day. You see, I ended up being that mom: that mom who was 40 minutes late, that mom who was disappointed she didn’t get in some long mom chats with friends because she was either feeding a baby, taking little people to the bathroom, or playing with clingy toddlers because they wouldn’t play by themselves. I was that mom who nearly burst into tears of frustration after having a wrestling match with her double stroller and the bathroom door in front of a bunch of people who enjoyed watching me rather than offering to help. Later on, I was that mom who tried to get everyone loaded into the van and headed home before any meltdowns ensued but despite my best efforts the baby screamed the entire half hour drive home. I was that mom who pulled into the garage feeling numb from head to toe, with millions of thoughts swirling in my head and no clue how to sort them.

I took some time to be still and let the thoughts swirl around without any filter. I know that it is easy for my mood to spiral downward when I feel unexpectedly stretched. In the effort to understand other people, I can lose touch with myself and need to make a point of getting reacquainted with me.  I especially need to allow my brain and mind to converse with each other. My brain tends to have trouble keeping up with the demands my mind places upon it. Being still offers the two a chance to meet in the middle. As I relaxed and pondered I realized that my initial reaction was to feel like the entire day was one big negative but further processing allowed the gems to shine. One of these was hearing my son’s voice in the midst of other child voices and feeling my heart warmed at its sound. Another gem was the unprompted kindness of my mom friends who made a point of coming to wherever I was in order to include me in conversation. And while the weather was hot it was an absolutely gorgeous day of breezes, sunlight glittering on the lake, and crystal clear spring water to gaze into.

My brain was extremely stressed today and in the heat of the moment it would have said that we will never leave the house again, but giving my mind a chance to process how I was feeling allowed me to come to terms with the stress.  It was real and it was rough but it was not bad and not worth settling into a negative mindset.  I think that experiencing the fullness of life means accepting the chaos and unexpected stress that will come with it. How is that for putting my day into words? I don’t know about you, but I feel a little better now.

My pastor’s sermon was especially impacting to me yesterday. One thing in particular stood out to me: Christians should be some of the most humble, broken, and tenderhearted people because we know our sin and how God has delivered us from it.  That thought convicted me as I took note of how quick I am to critique those around me. “If I was her, I wouldn’t be doing that,” or “why would he say something like that?” or “whew! I am glad I didn’t make that choice,” or “she should really make this change in her life,” etc.  The ironic thing is that when my mind is filled with thoughts about others I am not working on myself.

That’s just it! Keeping myself on track is time-consuming enough! Even just a few moments reading my Bible shines the spotlight on all that should be on my to-do list: abiding in Christ, praying without ceasing, loving my enemies, blessing those who curse me, forgiving, serving, repenting, sowing the gospel seed, just to name a few.  And that doesn’t include those areas in my life where the fruit is puny, if even there at all, such as patience and gentleness! Minding my own log-cutting business  is work enough; I don’t need to add searching for dust specks in others’ lives to my day as well (see Matthew 7:5).

We often feel like silence is approval and if we see someone making, in our opinion, a mistake we feel like something should be said. But I am starting to wonder if more positive impact could be made by simply living my own life well through surrendered obedience to Christ. If I speak when He prompts me to speak, change when He calls me to change, and repent when He convicts, then my life will become a beacon of His love and truth to everyone I meet.  If I genuinely love people then I need to spend more time building up and cheering on those lives that intersect with mine than I do pointing out where I think they could improve.  I believe quiet observation of how others live inspires more lasting change than speaking does.  I pray my life is one worth observing.

Disclaimer: I must add that if I see someone close to me making destructive choices or nurturing habits that are clearly harmful to self or others, I will speak up.

We tend to photograph what we want to remember: the moments of laughter, the tidy house, the snuggles and family bonding, the celebrations, the breath-taking views, the serene pauses and transformational events. Nothing bad, broken, dirty, or heart-wrenching. Nothing that indicates we have fallen down, messed up, forgotten or lost. And when we see the picture of other people’s lives, we compare them to what happens in between the pictures of our own lives. I know I do. I remember the guilt of missed opportunities, of losing my patience, of distracted attention. I see my failed efforts to be somebody I’m not: the perfect mom, the flawless wife, the cool friend, the sage Christian. And now I want to change that life, that in-between.

I want the pictures to be what’s real. I am going to love my kids with gusto, adore my husband with passion, serve Christ with gratitude and humility, selflessly encourage my friends, and read and write my heart out. I guess you could say that I’m going to make living my hobby, to approach it with the eagerness that comes with choosing to do something rather than being forced. I choose to live all-in! I’m not going to live a picture-perfect life and I can accept that. But I am going to live a life worth remembering , in picture and in-between them. That’s the kind of living that fills the soul.