weeklythoughtexchange

Growing up I never had a favorite superhero. They were all cool, but I never connected with any one in particular. However, I did have plans to homeschool my 15 kids, live in a pristine home, cook incredible meals from scratch, adopt all of the stray kids and animals that might wander into my yard, and never elevate my voice beyond normal tones. So now that I think about it, I suppose I wanted to be SuperMom! But life held other plans.

The high expectations I set for myself lowered very little with the arrival of my first child. I still kept a fairly regimented schedule for him and me; with the arrival of my first daughter, I added on a small business and soon had the 3 of us on a finely tuned routine. There were definite hiccoughs along the way with crazy days thrown in here and there, but for the most part I was satisfied with how I was managing home and family. Then came baby number three!

She is a normal newborn with all of the regular disruptions that newborns bring along when they arrive – the piles of diapers, the erratic schedule, the heartwrenching sobs that appear to have no rhyme or reason. I can handle all of that; but add that to also having a new crawler and a stubborn two- year old and I am finding that my SuperMom powers have mysteriously vanished! There are moments when I just sit, mentally skimming through my to-do list and have no idea what to do next. My daily goal is to have all of the laundry washed, folded, and put away but it has not happened since the baby was born. I start a conversation with someone and stumble over my words when I am talking or stop and start over mid-sentence (and I was an English teacher!!). I used to deep clean my house on a weekly basis, bake bread every week, make sure my kids’ faces were spotless before leaving the house, fold their clothes before putting them in the drawer, and take the dog on half-hour walks every day. What happened to me?

As I cried in the shower the other day, it hit me square between the eyes that motherhood is a pride-stripping, self-losing, humility-growing, faith-building calling. In all the glory of singlehood, I thought I knew exactly what it meant to be a parent. I had my list of “My kid will never…” and guess what? I think at least one of my kids has done everything on that list. I also had my list of “I’ll never be THAT mom…” and guess what? You bet I am! And every time I scratch one of those “nevers” off of my list I swallow a bit of humble pie. It’s not a nice feeling, but you know what is? Recognizing that He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful in finishing it. Every bit of pride that is swallowed and every bit of self that is stripped away is making me a more faithful friend, a more loving wife, a more patient mom, and more like Christ. That’s worth more than all the Marvel super powers!

This new year is new in more ways than just a number. The sixth day of the year concluded with a tiny bundle of joy in our arms: 45 minutes before her due date. This was my first labor and delivery without an epidural so in some ways it felt like my first time of giving birth, despite it actually being my third. The pain was excruciating and shocking yet I would not have changed a thing; I found myself much more in touch with the journey of life that my body and my little daughter traveled together.  Ten days after her birth I still wonder at the fact that she grew from microscopic to nearly eight pounds in a mere ten months  – and it all occurred inside my own body! Incredibly miraculous! I do not want to lose that wonder with any of my children because that wonder nourishes my joy.

And abundant joy is the theme of my new year. I know that a home with 3 small under the age of two and one-half years is going to be a challenging one, but I pray that it will be a peaceful and joyful one.  The past week and a half of stretched me more than the past three years have as I seek to meet the unique needs of each of my little ones, making sure that each one is assured of his or her special place in our home and my heart. I can only imagine what it will be like when the baby no longer sleeps quite as much and the middle child becomes mobile!  But as long as I seek Jesus first, I know that He will fill my heart with joy each new day and provide me with the wisdom and calm that I need to care for my precious family and home.

I plan to blog a couple of times per month about this new season in my life as a way to reflect and rejoice. I am looking forward to it!

This new year is new in more ways than just a number. The sixth day of the year concluded with a tiny bundle of joy in our arms: 45 minutes before her due date. This was my first labor and delivery without an epidural so in some ways it felt like my first time of giving birth, despite it actually being my third. The pain was excruciating and shocking yet I would not have changed a thing; I found myself much more in touch with the journey of life that my body and my little daughter traveled together.  Ten days after her birth I still wonder at the fact that she grew from microscopic to nearly eight pounds in a mere ten months  – and it all occurred inside my own body! Incredibly miraculous! I do not want to lose that wonder with any of my children because that wonder nourishes my joy.

And abundant joy is the theme of my new year. I know that a home with 3 small under the age of two and one-half years is going to be a challenging one, but I pray that it will be a peaceful and joyful one.  The past week and a half of stretched me more than the past three years have as I seek to meet the unique needs of each of my little ones, making sure that each one is assured of his or her special place in our home and my heart. I can only imagine what it will be like when the baby no longer sleeps quite as much and the middle child becomes mobile!  But as long as I seek Jesus first, I know that He will fill my heart with joy each new day and provide me with the wisdom and calm that I need to care for my precious family and home.

I plan to blog a couple of times per month about this new season in my life as a way to reflect and rejoice. I am looking forward to it!

I am gazing fondly, wistfully, and not a little regretfully at our Christmas tree. Each year’s tree is my favorite and this year’s is no exception. It’s our first full-sized tree and has a place of honor in our little apartment. It is cheerfully adorned with old and new ornaments, including little reindeer made from traced baby feet.  It is drinking its fill of Sprite and so far it’s still green! I inhale deeply of its delicious festive fragrance every day; every morning our two-year old rushes over to it and begs for the lights to come on. It’s almost part of our family now, hence the regret. I know that in just a couple of weeks the gifts will be unwrapped; the ornaments will come down and be safely stowed away for the next tree; the lights will be unplugged and wrapped up; and the tree? The tree will be taken to the dump never to be seen again.  How can something be so treasured and then so quickly removed and forgotten?  The more I reflect, the more I realize that this happens frequently in life.

My mind has been drifting over the year as I prepare for 2017. It’s painful how quickly a year passes; wasn’t it only yesterday that we toasted in 2016?  Each year I determine to savor the little moments more, to slow down, to keep my priorities in the right order, to treasure time with family and friends, yet each December I regret all of the little moments I took for granted, the days I counted instead of savored, the misplaced priorities, and the lack of time with family and friends.  Suddenly I’m aware of my aging dog, that this might very likely be my last year in my home state, and that people close to me aren’t getting  younger. Simply comparing my children’s pictures from January with how they look now is a startling reminder that time changes things.

Passing years are much like our Christmas trees. They are received with great joy and anticipation, adorned with idyllic resolutions, hopes and dreams, and all too quickly worn out and relegated to unknown recesses of our memory. I realize that we can’t carry the old years with us into the new ones, just like we can’t save every beloved tree, but I think we can absorb each year to its fullest that we are allowed to live.  I plan to do just that in the remaining 2 weeks of 2016 and in the years to come. I think I will forego the usual new year’s resolutions and instead focus on: “A Bit More and a Bit Less.”  I am going to devote a bit more of my time and attention on souls and a bit less on possessions. (For example, if I have to choose between reading a book to my kids and reading status updates on Facebook then Facebook will lose every time.)  I will try to rejoice a bit more and complain a bit less. I may even be a bit more spontaneous and clean a bit less!! I think that with this new motto in mind I’ll be able to bid our Christmas tree adieu with a peaceful heart. But until that day comes, I’m going to enjoy it for all it’s worth!

What about you?

This morning I read Exodus 32 to my children during our morning Bible time. If you don’t have all of Exodus’s chapters memorized, this is when the Israelites grew impatient with waiting on Moses to come down from Mount Sinai so they demanded that Aaron create a god for them. Their demands are ironic considering that only a few weeks prior to this they had pledged to always honor and obey God because they recognized all He had done for them.  It’s also interesting to note that Moses was on Mount Sinai in order to receive God’s laws, the laws that would guide the people in their desire to honor and obey the LORD. We are familiar with these laws: The Ten Commandments.

I know this story quite well but a few verses particularly jolted my attention this morning. “Then Moses turned and went down from the mountain with the two tablets of the testimony in his hand, tablets which were written on both sides; they were written on one side and the other. And the tablets were God’s work, and the writing was God’s writing engraved on the tablets.” (verses 15-16)  Imagine that! Seeing God’s words written in His very own hand! There could be no arguing about the significance of those words; I would give anything to see the law written on those stone tablets. “And it came about, as soon as Moses came near the camp, that he saw the calf and the dancing; and Moses’ anger burned, and he threw the tablets from his hands and shattered them at the foot of the mountain.” (verse 19) Just like that something so powerful and so priceless was gone. Why? Because of man’s sinful disregard of what is truly important.

My train of thought continued to seek application from these verses. How does this relate to me at this time in human history, more specifically, in this particular season? Christmas is a time of remembering God’s generous gift to mankind; once again, He reached out in a rare and tangible form to provide a way for us to have a relationship with Him. This time it wasn’t law written on stone tablets; instead, it was His only Son come as a helpless human infant who would later climb to His death on Golgotha. Why? So that the Law of Love could be written on our hearts (Romans 2:15).  And once again, this is a story with which I am quite familiar. My head nods in agreement when I am challenged to live a committed life to Christ, but my heart easily strays away to pledge allegiance to things with little eternal value.

Perhaps my actions are not as deliberately blasphemous as the Israelites’, but my commitment to Christ is no less significant than their pledge.  Just as t flagrant sin caused the tablets to be shattered at the foot of the mountain so can my witness to the world around me crumble when I allow sin to take hold of my life.  This is a necessary reminder for me as I enter the holy season with my children following wide-eyed behind me. I am a witness to them around the clock on a daily basis; when I sin, they are the first to see it and mimic what I do.  In the flurry of decorating, baking, and gift-wrapping, I pray that a golden calf of temporal admiration will not steal my heart from the Baby in the Manger and the King on the Cross.

As I sit at my computer reflecting upon the topic of this blog, I look around at the significant (and adorable) chaos that surrounds me. Toy cars lie scattered across the living room floor; baby girl clothes are drying on the line outside; storybooks are overflowing from their basket and my current read has a corner chewed off of the cover; a smudged sippy cup is sitting on the smudged table next to the VERY smudged chair next to mine. The giggles from the nursery have finally quieted and I think it is safe to assume my little companions have slipped into their naps. It’s almost time for me to rest as well, but I felt like assembling a few thoughts into written form.

I know I have said it before albeit in different terms, but much of motherhood is about losing oneself; this can be disconcerting at best, traumatic at worst. I have desperately fought to hold on to who I was just 4 short years ago only to discover that it is a losing battle. Life changes and so must I. By no means do I regret how much my life has changed; I simply want to meld my past and present together, to hold on to what I valued in the past in addition to what I value now, to do all I did back then AND all I do now.  I want to maintain an immaculate house, an exercise routine, a consistent daily/weekly/monthly schedule. I want to give my pets as much attention as I always have and be as fascinated with them as I was before kids, to avidly follow the news, and to keep a steady reading diet. I want to blog consistently each week, to be spontaneous on the weekends, and to have energy to do it all! I want to feel like I am me.

But maturation as an individual isn’t about getting what I want. It’s about embracing what I need. I need to recognize that my interests and abilities will change as my responsibilities increase; in fact, my responsibilities are revealing how much I am capable of accomplishing.  I need to learn that my standards can be adjusted without compromising what is important; in fact, they must be adjusted because of what is important. I need to accept that I am just as much myself now as I was before kids; in fact, I am even more myself because I am living out my heart’s desire with these precious new individuals.  I need to remember that the opposite of change is stagnation; in fact, to reach my full potential letting go of the past is imperative if I am to lay hold of the future. Everything I value is still a part of me; right now certain things play a lesser role in my daily routine than they once did. Once in a while I will be able to turn my full attention upon them and when those occasions arise I will enjoy it.

In the meantime, I’m going to navigate the sea of cars at my feet so I can check the laundry before snatching a few moments with my feet up.

What are some changes in your life that you are needing to accept?

Stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). It seems like such a vague term for such an involved role. No, I’m not that frazzle-haired woman with spit-up and peanut butter stains on her mismatched pj’s, balancing a runny-nosed baby and a tantrum-throwing toddler while desperately praying for 6 more hands to magically sprout from her body. Well, there are those moments…but truthfully, why have I chosen to assume this nondescript role after having spent 5 enjoyable years in the career world?  My husband has been working longer hours this week and there are moments when I feel like that frazzle-haired woman above. But not for long! His time away from home has given me more time to ponder why I am so thankful that he is doing all he can to ensure that I can stay at home with our children.

There are a myriad of reasons that I could list but here are my top 3 “Just Because I’m Their Mommy” reasons why I stay at home and plan to homeschool our children:

1. I DON’T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING I have waited all of my life to be a mommy. I have cared for and invested in other people’s kids for nearly 20 years. I often cried when the time came to say good-bye to my young charges because I wanted to know the rest of their stories; I wanted to see if my efforts in their lives ever bore any fruit. Now I have my own children and I can pour into them without dreading the end of the year or the upcoming move. I don’t have to wonder if they’ll remember me or recall the lessons I taught them. It warms my heart when my little ones pick up on the nuances of our routines or respond to me in different ways if they know that I am happy or sad or frustrated. I haven’t just been there for their first smiles, laughs, words, and steps. I am also here when they make connections between letters and sounds and words; I share tiny memories and big milestones with them; I understand their reactions when no one else does because I have spent their days and nights with them. I don’t want to just spend mornings and evenings with them. I want to  spend 11:00am with them, and noon, and 2:30….Someone needs to be their daily caregiver. Why not me?
2. I LIKE FRESH STARTS I don’t know about you, but I mess up a lot. I overreact; I stress; I waste opportunities.  My children know how to rile me up and I often look back and regret how I responded to the situation. At the end of the day when the kids are snug in their beds, I usually reflect on how the day was spent. I am thankful that the new day brings fresh opportunities to improve and that I have a chance to start over with my children. I don’t just have the morning to make it up to my kids; I can spend the entire day with them and make it the best day we have ever spent together.  Often the best memories are made in the most mundane moments – perhaps it’s reading stories at 10:00 in the morning or making silly faces at the lunch table or blowing gigantic bubbles at 4:00pm. You never know and you need time to experience the unexpected. Just in case I miss something today, I’m so glad that I have tomorrow to try again. Would someone who is not their mommy  care so much about a missed memory?
3. SIMPLY PUT, THEY ARE SOME MY MOST FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD so why wouldn’t I want to spend as much as time with them as possible? It is a thrill to see the world through their eyes, to discover anew the experiences that I take for granted, to share their emotional highs and lows with them, to know where they’ve been so that I can point them in the direction they should go. I love them and what better way to assure them of that than by giving them the most valuable commodity I have – my time? I don’t know about you, but I like spending my time with my favorite people.

I know that I could list reasons such as worldview, health and safety, teacher-student ratio, quality of education, peer pressure, bullying, etc. for why I am choosing to stay home with my kids now and in the future, and they are all valid points with which I agree, but deep, deep down in my heart these 3 simple reasons are what resonate the most. They are what keep me going during the challenging days and what help me stand firm when societal pressure tries to shame me for what I do.

Yes, there are days when you’ll find me wearing spit-up stained shirts and pee-splatter shorts; I probably wear my hair in a ponytail most of the time; and you’ll most likely find yogurt in the carpet and cheerios in the couch.  But that’s not a big deal to me like it once may have been; more often than not these days, I’m begging Time to slow down so I can hold these little ones in my lap just a bit longer, savor their baby voices for a few more minutes, hold their hands one more time. I know that Time gives no heed to my pleas, but I also know that I am making the most of the precious time that I have with them.