weeklythoughtexchange

I’m feeding the baby as I write this; the older kids are attempting to do their morning chores but the sounds emanating from the dining room indicate that chores have turned into play. My husband’s summer vacation time hasn’t turned into quite the stay-cation I had anticipated. I had envisioned endless hours of family play and local discoveries; home projects being accomplished swiftly and daily routines being perfected.

Instead we have just been getting by. The baby is still unpredictable in his sleep patterns and our morning chores barely get done before it’s lunch time. Our summer bucket list continues to wait on us and the home projects multiply exponentially. Can relaxation be found in the cacophony of demands upon our time and energy?

It is possible but it’s a life skill that needs practice, and I’m a long way from being perfect in it. I tend to think that I need to plan ahead for times of relaxation and to prepare for fun. But upon further reflection of our summer thus far I see that we have had good times: father and son fishing in our lake; a spontaneous family tickle fight before bed; lingering over breakfast; ordering take out and watching a movie after the kids are in bed. We have had deep family conversations and turned doctor appointments into mini road trips with snacks and books and country music. So what makes the difference between regular life and relaxed life?

While rest is pausing to breathe, I think that relaxation is a focused determination to breathe levity into the ordinary. It’s a matter of attitude and expectations: anything can be joyful with the proper perspective. My husband reminds me that this season of #5under5 is a time of taking life in small doses. There will be many things we simply cannot do right now but relaxation doesn’t have to be one of them. I’m going to keep practicing.

I am not third trimester tired anymore since I can actually sleep when I have the chance to sleep. But I am still tired. On average, I am operating on 4 hours of sleep a day. If the baby sleeps, most likely someone else will be waking up during the night. And when morning comes I have to will my eyes to open and my body to leave the bed.

This morning my emotions were pretty low. My husband was at work, there were 5 babies to feed, dogs to walk, laundry to wash, a blog to write and texts needing answering. I wanted to cry (and probably did a little). Could I rewind to the day after delivery so I could stay in bed all day without guilt? I just wanted to rest a little longer.

And then my thoughts moved to a higher plane. Perhaps there is a way to rest mindfully if not physically. Perhaps it’s the mind that craves a peaceful state more than our bodies desire a horizontal state. And then I thought about my precious newborn. Left alone on his back he flails and cries and does not rest. But as soon as I pick him up and snuggle him with his arms and legs tucked under him and his body close to mine, he relaxes and sleeps.

I think that’s a picture of me too. On my own my mind and heart flail in panic at all that is required of me. My strength is inadequate for the intensity of my responsibilities. The more I flail the more exhausted I become. But if I draw near to Jesus and listen to His heart I can find rest in the midst of the labor. And if my heart is peaceful I can rest in the center of the chaos.

It’s June! Summer! A season of rest and relaxation. Ahhhh! Resting has been a theme of mine in these postpartum weeks. I am discovering that rest is actually a discipline; I thought it would be much easier to slow down than it has been. But that is not the only thing I’ve recently discovered.

I have long considered Susanna Wesley, mother of the famous sibling duo: John and Charles Wesley, a role model. I knew she was the mother of 19 children, had taught them at home and was intentional about spending individual time with them during the week. I was eager to learn more about this incredible woman of history and devoured Arnold A. Dillamore’s biography about her. I was startled to discover how little I really knew about her.

She had birthed 19 children in 19 years but buried 9 of them in infancy or shortly thereafter; her house burned twice and each time she and her children barely made it out alive; her husband was often indifferent or even hostile towards her, overlooked many of her and her daughters’ basic needs and even deserted her for half a year; for much of her life she did not have the beautiful assurance of her salvation.

And yet in all of this she remained strong, gracious, and committed to nurturing her children and pursuing a deeper understanding of Christ. The desperate situations in which she was often placed did not diminish her determination to live well and invest in raising her children up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. As I closed this book for the last time I was inspired to be slower in defining any hardship as such and instead to invest my energies in gratitude, intentional parenting and a diligent pursuit of Christ.

At the same time that I was establishing a better acquaintance with Susanna Wesley I was also blessed with the opportunity to show hospitality to my parents. They came to support us in the transition from 4 children to 5 and went above and beyond to do just that. I anticipated their arrival and stay with a degree of reluctance. But it only took a short time to prove my reluctance unfounded. They poured themselves out for me and mine: cleaning and repairing the house, caring for our pets, preparing meals and spending hour after hour playing with and reading to our children. They sacrificed their time and energy so that I could have the gift of rest.

As I closed the front door after their departure the truth settled into my heart that intentional parenting is a lifetime commitment. Susanna Wesley corresponded fervently with her children in their adult years; she did not cease in her interest or involvement with their lives. And so has the role of my parents evolved. While they no longer need to train, discipline or provide for me, their presence and involvement in my life is just as crucial. They offer support, insights and encouragement that is unique to their position as parents and grandparents.

I was able to grasp these new discoveries because I took time to rest. The discipline of intentional rest for body and mind allows for restoration and enrichment that busyness neglects. This month our family is going to take life slower than usual and I will share my insights along the way.

What are your favorite ways to rest and relax?

I have given birth to five babies in less than five years, and yet each one is a unique, life-changing experience for me.

The first baby was chapter one of an unread book. Every day of pregnancy was a mystery; the birth was traumatic and when we arrived home from the hospital my goal was to resume life as normal as soon as possible.

Jump ahead to chapter five: the plot is now familiar with unexpected twists and turns here and there but I’ve since learned that the objective is to linger, not rush ahead. I study the tiny newborn features longingly, hoping that staring will slow down the change.

Each baby is a rebirth for me and our family. We can relive all of the firsts, all of the wonder, and the acquaintance of an undiscovered personality. And with the newness is a familiarity that allows us to savor a bit more.

I’m not agonizing over sleep schedules or frantic about crying spells. Those will resolve in time. I’m snuggling more and savoring the these early days of rest and recovery. And when my strength had returned am I going to rush life back to normal?

It’s going to be a new normal of longer conversations, more reading, slower walks, spontaneous play times and intentional family time. My recovery period has allowed me to step back, observe and internalize my purpose; watching my children with their grandparents and discovering how much I miss the daily care of home and family has opened my heart to the purpose I crave.

I didn’t realize how much I have still been seeking my way in life but these newborn days have helped me find it.

Life is a series of journeys. There are the ones that cross the paths of two individuals that result in the journey of fertilized egg reaching the uterus. And the pregnancy journey that mother and child embark upon- each step, each day, each mile marker that is laboriously achieved as they grow and change together. It culminates in that pivotal new life journey of birth.

This week my fifth child and I made that defining journey. Each birth has opened my eyes and heart to a fresh dimension of deeper living and this one was no exception. Through 7.5 hours of active labor the aspect of time disappeared for me. At first I was anxiously aware of the comfort and schedules of everyone around me. But as the serenity of the ambient light, the wild orange being diffused, the pictures of our wedding and our children on the walls, seeped into my consciousness I embraced the letting go of time.

Reflecting back upon the freshest birthday in our family I see that an awareness of time gives me a sense of control that I actually don’t have. Presence of mind in the moment brought me through the birth and allowed me to recognize the process of birth more than I ever have before. That is the kind of presence I want to have in every moment granted to me with my loved ones.

Time moves whether my eye is on the clock or not; how I live that time is what impacts the journey. Awaiting the birth of this baby was heavy on my mind for the past ten months and now it is two days in the past. Such a transformative, miraculous event for me and him that will never happen again but because I was THERE it is imprinted in my memory forever. And the living continues; I want to be just as present for the miracles yet to come.

Your journeys are different from mine. The journey that began your life story or your child’s life story might be a painful one; but that doesn’t mean the journeys to follow aren’t worth taking. God uses time to rescue, renew and restore. Choose to let the life journey continue.

There’s a family of Canadian geese that have residence in the lake behind our home. I never weary of watching them or they me, for that matter! When I’m hanging up laundry the entire goose clan glides over to float and gaze. It makes me smile. I am also intrigued by the formation of the goose family when they are swimming: parent leading, offspring in a row, parent bringing up the rear. And they swim calmly to and from their destination. There is serenity in the order.

Our little ones are not quite as compliant as those goslings when it comes to routine in and out of the house. We frequently meet with resistance as we instruct them in etiquette and attitude. But they do know who their authority figures are and, even more importantly, they are secure enough in their relationship with us to be authentic. Their emotions are never hidden from us: anger, jubilation, fear, hurt, gratitude…whatever they are feeling overflows unashamedly. And the questions they pose! Those come with zero filter. If they don’t know or understand something, they simply ask. If they would like something, they ask. If they can’t remember, they ask. There is serenity in authentic relationship.

And it always brings me back to Jesus. I realize that I hide many of my true feelings from Him. When anxiety overpowers, I try to reason with it, fight it, or ignore it on my own rather than simply talking it all out with Jesus. I hesitate to bring requests to Him because they either seem too insignificant or too impossible; if I don’t understand something I wrestle with it on my own rather than coming to Him for clarity. But as I wait and wait and wait on this Baby I am coming to the end of myself and God is prompting me to let go of myself and go deeper with Him. He reminds me that I can calmly follow Him and be raw at the same time. He wants me to acknowledge that He knows the true me; I don’t have to hide from Him. There is serenity in letting go.

There’s a favorite little person hangout in our home. It’s a raised brick corner that displays our Christmas tree in December. When it came time to undecorate this year, many tears were shed about the tree having to go. We promised a surprise in place of the tree and the Book Nook happened. There are mismatched pillows, a quilt my grandmother sewed, cheerful puppet friends, and baskets of books. A string of lights outlines the perimeter of the Nook. On a daily basis one, two, three or four children can be found snuggling there, lights on, books piled on laps.

Our little ones are too young to read words (although the oldest is on the cusp). Their reading consists of studying minute details of every illustration on every page, discussing the details and retelling the story as it was read to them. They will study the same books over and over and over again until the pictures and basic plot are memorized. They beg to have the stories read again so they can remember more of the details on their own.

And the stories, as well as the characters occupying them, are interwoven in daily conversation and play. Their avid imaginations latch on to the plots and expand upon them, reflect upon them, learn from them and grow. It doesn’t matter if the book is history, science, math, or fiction. As long as it is a book with detailed illustrations it is absorbed.

Yesterday a friend sent me a Polo message and in it she read Psalm 147 aloud to me. This Psalm was filled with descriptions of God and as I listened my heart soared in praise. I realized that my trials and worries are small in light of the nature of God. And as I reflected on the writing of this blog I recognized my need to absorb more details about Jesus. The more I learn about Him the more I will know Him and long to worship Him. He will be interwoven into my day and shape my perception of life. What I pour into my mind shapes my thoughts, attitudes and interactions; just as I’m intentional about cultivating my children’s habits and attitudes, I need to do the same with my own.

How much time do you spend reading each day? What do you like to read?

All throughout the month of April anticipation for May bubbled up and spilled over. The little ones would eagerly ask me if May was “after this day?” and my reply would be, “Not yet but soon!” Can you imagine their delight when May truly was “after this day”? Why the excitement? Because Baby Pover (‘puh-ver’) is arriving in May.

The last night of April was an eventful one- between restless leg syndrome, head-to-toe itching, painful contractions and a little one throwing up I got very little rest. But as I tucked everyone back in bed after cleaning up the sick one, our oldest son eagerly whispered to me, “It’s almost May!” I went back to bed and let my mind dwell on that fact and the thrill of anticipation that comes so naturally to children. It’s true! This new baby is coming any time between today and May 27th. I can bemoan that it will probably be later than sooner; I can be frustrated with all the false starts and stops (telling a mom at this stage in pregnancy to not analyze every sensation as labor possibly beginning will be as successful as telling a golden retriever not to wag his tail); I can dwell on the ever increasing discomfort and lengthening days (at this point one day is the equivalent of a week); or I can embrace the anticipation! Any day now because May is here!

And so it is with Jesus. The Bible tells us that He is returning to gather up His own and there will be a new heaven and a new earth! The Bible makes frequent references to the travail of labor and the delight of new life. It makes mention of birth pangs and the earth groaning like a woman in childbirth. Just as I am ready to be free of pregnancy pain and to behold my new child, so am I ready to be free of the burden of daily sin – my own and what surrounds me – and to behold my Lord and Savior. But rather than bemoan the waiting I want to rejoice in the anticipation and make the most of every opportunity to live well and prepare for His return.

This month’s blog series will be focused on Heart and Home. I would like to share with you little peeks into our family’s daily life and also share spiritual reflections that Jesus has placed upon my heart. We will chat more next week (if Pover hasn’t appeared yet!).